


Poetic Beauty

by defsout



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Art Major!Jaehyun, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Literature Major!Taeyong, M/M, Slow Burn, this doesnt focus on them being students at all lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-04-07 15:18:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 42,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14083797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/defsout/pseuds/defsout
Summary: Taeyong knew that Jaehyun was in love with him, he just didn't understand it.Or: Taeyong and Jaehyun are both idiots who don't know how to handle their feelings so they both end up getting hurt and wasting their time.





	1. One [Prolog]

What could one define as a fact?

 

There were, of course, many things that could be defined in such a way.

 

The sun rises in the East and sets in the West. That was a fact – simple, universal, valid.

 

Apart from facts there were ideas, beliefs, hopes.

 

Sometimes people would define certain thoughts as such while other people, contrary to popular belief, would still define them as facts.

 

Some people didn't believe in love at first sight, others thought of it as a process happening all the time, everywhere, always.

 

Taeyong was one of these people that believed in love at first sight, in soulmates, in fate. He was a hopeless romantic if you'd like to label his flow of thoughts.

 

He held a huge, unstoppable passion deep in his heart – poems, novels, literature, _poems_. He always saw such a fascinating beauty in the ability the most simple words had to posses such huge meanings, hidden emotions, stories of all kind.

 

Metaphors, similes, hyperboles, allusions. They were brilliant to him.

 

To him, 20 year old Lee Taeyong, literature major, hopeless romantic.

 

-

 

Taeyong liked facts. He liked the structure behind them, he liked how they were so easy to explain. He liked facts.

 

But ideas, beliefs, hopes – these he loved. He loved them with a passion almost as strong as his passion for the magic of words, sentences, paragraphs.

 

Ideas, beliefs, hopes. They were everything but easy to explain, they were complex, mysterious, special, wonderful. While he enjoyed understanding the rational flow of facts, he loved thinking about every small, detailed aspect of such enigmatic thoughts. Thoughts, but also persons. _Persons_. Persons were the most enigmatic of them all. Every single person was different, special, they all had their own stories. And while falling in love with a person at first sight was something Taeyong definitely deemed possible, in his mind it was impossible to figure out another person at first sight. He loved that about persons.

 

-

 

Taeyong had a favourite everything.

 

He had a favourite book, a favourite poem, a favourite song, he had a favourite person. His favourite person was so, so candid, so good, so kind, so wonderful. So _obvious_. But still, Taeyong knew he wasn't able to understand everything about his favourite person yet.

 

Jung Jaehyun.

 

He knew a lot of things about his favourite person – about Jaehyun – he just didn't understand most of them.

 

However, among these many things he didn't understand, there were a few he did understand.

 

He understood Jaehyun's passion for art. He was as passionate about his art as Taeyong was about his literature. Jaehyun was an art major – and may he add, a fantastic one.

 

Taeyong had seen Jaehyun paint, he had listened to him talk about colour schemes for hours, he had memorized the way his eyes lit up every time the topic came up in the most detailed way possible. Jaehyun's passion for art, that he understood.

 

He knew that Jaehyun had a big heart. He was always nice, always respectful, always ready to help, he had a good soul. Additionally, he was very social and outgoing. Talking to other people looked so easy when Jaehyun did it. He was a terrific person, that Taeyong didn't just understand, he admired it.

 

Jaehyun had once told him that he was his muse, so he ended up posing for countless of Jaehyun's portraits. But Jaehyun was never satisfied with his work, he would always say, “I just can't find a way to capture your beauty the way it deserves to be captured,” then he would always apologize and Taeyong would always tell him that he thought his looks in reality couldn't keep up with the way Jaehyun portrayed them on his canvas. It was true, Taeyong found every single one of Jaehyun's drawings so endlessly beautiful. The way Jaehyun saw Taeyong, that he didn't understand.

 

Jaehyun thought of Taeyong as beautiful, but Taeyong valued Jaehyun's beauty at least twice as much. It would be a lie to say that he never wrote a poem – multiple poems – about him. His eyes, so dark they could keep an entire universe inside them, the curve of his nose, so straight, so defined. A face more perfect than any artist or poet of the Renaissance could have ever imagined.

 

Jaehyun had never explicitly told him that he loved him. He had his own ways of conveying that message. Telling Taeyong that he was too beautiful to be illustrated by his own hands, telling him that he was his muse, his inspiration, worrying about him more than anyone else during his darkest times, making sure he wouldn't skip any meals and get enough rest everyday. Jaehyun had never used those three words. Those three words with a meaning so deep and heavy it would make you drown as if you were tied to an anchor. Still, Taeyong knew. He knew that Jaehyun loved him. It was a fact, yet, he didn't understand it.

 

Someone as special, as wonderful and kind as Jung Jaehyun being in love with him, awkward, boring, _boring_ Taeyong, always lost in his own thoughts, barely ever talking to anyone, that he didn't understand. That he would never be able to understand.

 

So he ended up doing what he thought was the best thing to do – nothing at all. He didn't do anything about it and, looking back, it was the worst decision of his life.

 

It wasn't like he couldn't see the way Jaehyun looked at him. The way his face would fall whenever Taeyong decided not to return his smile, his beautiful, gorgeous, million-watt smile. He was aware of his surroundings, he just didn't _understand_ them and instead of accidentally doing something wrong he'd rather bury his nose in the novel he decided to pack in his bag that day.

 

Literature and art had always belonged together and so did Jaehyun and Taeyong. Literature and art had always been soulmates, bound by fate and so were Jaehyun and Taeyong. But he didn't know that yet. They were friends, close friends. Jaehyun was one of his few, very few friends. A fact.

 

What else could be considered a fact?

 

Taeyong would have given everything for Jaehyun to always be a part of his life. Definitely another fact. He enjoyed the time they spent together so, so much and he didn't want anything to change. He was happy the way it was. But, understandably, Jaehyun wasn't – Who could blame him? Taeyong surely couldn't. So it came the way it had to come and Taeyong ended up blaming himself for it.

 

-

 

Taeyong was disappointed.

 

It was a Friday afternoon, and Friday afternoons were _their_ afternoons. They would always be - that's the promise they made to each other the first time they made a Friday afternoon theirs.

 

They didn't have any rules about what exactly they would do, what was important was that they would do it together; except when one of them was too ill, of course.

 

Sometimes they'd go to the park or the museum together and just admire their surroundings, sometimes they'd go to a restaurant, share a huge variety of meals, talk about their days or their studies, casual small talk, and sometimes they'd just _be_ together. They would meet up in either Taeyong's or Jaehyun's dorm, depending on whose roommate decided to go out on that day, and just talk. Really talk. They'd have no boundaries, no restraints, _no need for either of them_. No matter what either of them wanted to share, the other one would never judge, would just accept the topic, would share his thoughts.

 

So perhaps it was even an understatement to say that Taeyong was disappointed when Jaehyun had to cancel their planned trip to the harbour that day, despite being completely healthy.

 

As Taeyong asked him why he couldn't come, he simply replied that they could reschedule the trip and that he was sorry. He shot him one last apologetic smile and then everything left for Taeyong to see was his back, becoming smaller with every step the younger took. Away from Taeyong, far, far away, in a different direction. Physically as well as mentally.

 

Taeyong wasn't disappointed, he was sad.

 

He had been so boundlessly excited for their trip, and he thought Jaehyun had been as well.

 

-

 

They both loved the harbour, that much he could say with certainty. The first time they went there together it took Jaehyun a whole lot of trying to convince Taeyong since he had been, to quote his exact words, “afraid of the sea,” which earned him a look in disbelief from Jaehyun. He then laughed, his wonderful, high, clear laughter, more contagious than ever so Taeyong ended up laughing with him. Jaehyun took Taeyong's hands in his own, squeezed them lightly, gently, careful as if he had been afraid to break Taeyong. He looked in the elders eyes with a hint of excitement and adoration and said, “I'm gonna make you fall in love with the sea. You're gonna be so amazed, so mesmerized that you won't ever want to leave again. I'm gonna make sure that you'll feel save and be as happy as you'd be in a library.”

 

Taeyong couldn't believe his own ears, his own eyes, his own hands. All his senses were so hyperaware of everything Jaehyun did to him in that exact moment. He could feel so, so many different kinds of warm feelings. The warmth spreading from the younger's hands, from the sincerity in his eyes, from the kindness in his words.

 

There was no more convincing to do. Taeyong knew that Jaehyun was right. No matter where they would go, what they would do, as long as he was with Jaehyun he always felt safe.

 

He slipped one of his hands out of Jaehyun's grip, intertwined his other hand with the other's hand, shot him a small but sincere, thankful smile, “Okay, I trust you. Let's go then,” and started heading in the direction of the harbour, dragging the younger along. He could practically feel Jaehyun's excitement buzzing in the air.

 

He knew that Jaehyun was in love with him, he just didn't understand it. He didn't know what to do about it.

 

-

 

As he watched Jaehyun leaving, he felt a small sting right in his heart. This was going to be one lonely Friday afternoon.

 

So he ended up going back to his dorm alone. Bundled up in his blanket, he would lie down on his bed and read a novel until he couldn't keep his eyes opened anymore.

 

That night Taeyong fell asleep feeling sorry for himself, thinking about the first time they went to the harbour together. The first time he realized that the sea wasn't that scary at all, the first time Jaehyun lent him his jacket because it was windy and cold and Taeyong was an idiot who had forgotten to take his own jacket. The first time he felt really, really warm on the inside and the first time he found saying goodbye to Jaehyun way harder than all the times before.

 

-

 

As Taeyong woke up the next morning he didn't even bother checking his phone (for potential messages from Jaehyun).

 

He briefly greeted his still half asleep roommate and left his room to take a shower. The shower was refreshing, it helped him clear his mind and get it off some things (Jaehyun).

 

Taeyong, now clean and fresh with his hair smelling like apples and his skin smelling like basil, stepped out of the shower, got dressed and after taking a quick look out of the window he decided that this day was way too nice to be wasted spending inside.

 

So he ended up packing his wallet and his phone, his hair still slightly damp, and headed out of the dorm to his favourite coffee shop, about a 5 minute walk away from his university.

 

Walking down the still empty streets, he finally decided to check his phone. Surprisingly, his notifications weren't as dry as he had expected. There were a few messages in a group chat he was once added to but didn't really care about, thus, never talked in, a message from his cousin Mark reminding him about his birthday party tonight, recalling how he promised to come and begging for him to please, _please_ keep his promise because 'I love you so much Tae, it would mean so much to me if you came' – to be honest, at first he had planned to stay home but he really did love his cousin too, so he ended up getting him a videogame as a present, ready to show up that evening – but most important, there were some messages from Jaehyun.

 

**Jaehyun [01:24 AM]**

taeyong hi are you already sleeping?

 

**Jaehyun [01:36 AM]**

i'm taking that as a yes

or maybe you just hate me for cancelling our plans last minute

i'm sorry about that please don't be mad

 

**Jaehyun [02:01 AM]**

can we please talk? i kinda have something i gotta tell you

 

**Jaehyun [02:07 AM]**

sorry that i walked away

 

Taeyong had to blink at his phone screen a few times to fully comprehend the information he just received. Why had Jaehyun been up that late? Why had Jaehyun been _texting him_ that late?

 

The thought of Jaehyun being alone that late at night, worrying about Taeyong made him feel weird. Very, very weird. He couldn't decide if it was a good or a bad, terrible kind of weird. He definitely couldn't deny that every little encounter with Jaehyun, may it be in person or like this time via text messages, made him feel weird. But taking everything into consideration, this time he felt a huge load of worry washing over him in addition to the usual weird feelings.

 

As if he was on autopilot, he opened Jaehyun's contact information and pressed the call button. His phone rang a few times. One, two, three - “Taeyong?”

 

Jaehyun had picked up and he sounded so, so tired, Taeyong could sense that the younger hadn't slept a lot last night, if he even slept at all, and knowing that something had bothered Jaehyun that much really hurt Taeyong.

 

“Hey Jaehyun,” he said in the softest voice he managed to express with his still unused voice, so early in the day, “you texted me last night, said we needed to talk? It was so late, I'm sorry I was already sleeping. Did you sleep?”

 

“I did sleep Tae, please don't worry about me,” Taeyong knew the other boy too well to believe him. He could see right through his lies, he recognized it from the way his voice broke at the end of his statement. Jaehyun hadn't slept at all last night, that was for sure now.

 

“But yeah, I have to tell you something. Are you.. free now?”

 

Of course he was free now. And even if he wasn't, he'd always make time for Jaehyun because that's how much he he valued him. So he told him that he was just on his way to the coffee shop to get breakfast, Jaehyun offered to join him so they could talk and not even 15 minutes later they were sitting in said coffee shop, Taeyong sipping his Americano, Jaehyun sipping his Cappuccino, two bagels in front of them, waiting to be eaten.

 

They didn't start talking about the important, serious stuff right away. First, they wanted to – needed to settle down, test how comfortable they were around each other in this unusual situation, find their boundaries.

 

At this point Taeyong wasn't even surprised anymore as Jaehyun suddenly told him to stop moving, fished his phone out of his bag and took a few snapshots of Taeyong's hand clutching his mug because, “your fingers look so delicate right now and the light from outside is just right, I have to paint this later.”

 

Taeyong was used to it. He knew he was Jaehyun's muse, he knew Jaehyun thought of him as beautiful, he just didn't understand it.

 

“Give me your napkin”, Jaehyun suddenly demanded, interrupting Taeyong's thoughts.

 

“Huh?”, he replied dumbly, not fully understanding why Jaehyun would ask for his napkin out of all things. He wasn't used to this.

 

Jaehyun simply smiled at him, as mesmerizing as ever, dimples as prominent as ever. It didn't even matter what Jaehyun wanted, as soon as he looked at Taeyong the way he did right now, the elder would do anything for him. And by everything he means literally _anything_.

 

So he handed him his napkin and watched him dig a pen up of his backpack. Then he quietly watched him sketch something on his napkin for a few moments, not asking any questions because he loved watching Jaehyun draw. He knew how passionate the younger was about any form of art and seeing how his eyes began to sparkle as he did something as simple as drawing a few lines on a napkin triggered a number of warm, bubbly feelings in the pit of Taeyong's stomach.

 

He attentively watched the motions of Jaehyun's hand, not missing a single move. He felt such a strong affection, attraction even, towards his hand. Taeyong suddenly felt like reaching out and just holding his hand, never letting go -

 

“Here you go,” Jaehyun had finished his drawing and placed it right in front of Taeyong who, still, stared at Jaehyun's hand, fascinated like the idiot he was, “I know they're your favourite and since I didn't have the time to get you real flowers, I really hope this will do.”

 

Eventually, Taeyong raised his eyes and he noticed how nervous Jaehyun actually looked right now, making this one of the few rare moments in which it was so obvious that Jaehyun was two years younger than him. He watched the younger scratch his nape, took his sweet time to take in how red the tips of Jaehyun's ears were. Jaehyun didn't even look at him right then, so Taeyong smiled to himself and then finally averted his gaze from Jaehyun and looked at his now painted napkin.

 

Crystalline ice plants. _How beautiful_ , he thought. They really were his favourite flowers. He loved how they somehow looked like the sun and like a snowflake at the same time, displaying a contrast some people might use to describe him. “He looks cold but he's really warm on the inside. He's a good person.”

 

“You're frowning.”

 

Oh. Taeyong was so lost in thought that he completely forgot his surroundings and now he probably gave Jaehyun the wrong impression. Great.

 

“Shit Jaehyun, I'm sorry, I was miles away. You know how much I love these flowers and, to be honest, this painting is worth so much more than actual flowers would be. It's yours, how could I not love it? Thank you so much,” at this point the frown in his face had disappeared and was instead replaced by the most sincere smile. Jaehyun was smiling too and while Taeyong folded the napkin that was now so precious and worth more than any Van Gogh painting to him, everything seemed just fine.

 

That was until Taeyong remembered the actual reason for their meeting, “so, you wanted to tell me something?”, he almost whispered, afraid of the answer, coming up with a billion possible scenarios.

 

“Oh right,” Jaehyun answered equally as silent, smile slowly falling from his face.

 

They both were so nervous that they couldn't meet each other's eyes, so they ended up staring at their feet, their now empty mugs, the walls of the coffee shop – it didn't matter as long as it wasn't the other one.

 

Jaehyun cleared his throat, Taeyong clutched at his mug so hard it might break any moment.

 

“So um. Someone important really needed to see me.”

 

“Oh? Do I know that someone?”

 

Jaehyun opened his mouth and closed it again, thinking of a way to answer that question.

 

His behaviour made Taeyong so nervous, he was sure the younger could hear his heartbeat becoming more rapid by the second.

 

Jaehyun chewed on his lips for a few more seconds before finally replying, “You kind of do know him. It's just. Okay, I'll just tell you,” he pushed his hair back in a swift motion, then letting the natural strands fall back on his forehead just as swiftly, “It's Seokmin. You know Seokmin, my roommate's best friend?”

 

Taeyong expected Jaehyun to keep talking but when he realized that he was finally looking at him, a hint of expectation and tension in his eyes, he quickly nodded his head, telling the other that he did know Seokmin, “What about him? Why did he need to see you so urgently?”

 

“This is so weird. Taeyong, Seokmin and I have been seeing each other for a while now. As in, we're dating. It's not so serious that I'd call him my boyfriend and nobody knows yet but. I had to tell you.”

 

Jaehyun had asked Taeyong to stop moving lots of times already, but it has never been like that. This time, Taeyong felt like not only him but everything and everyone around him stopped moving too.

 

So maybe Jaehyun didn't love him after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO ok omg i'm sorry this is a MESS i have so many ideas and events i wanna add to this fic but???? this is my first fic and idk how to write??? anyway i hope you enjoyed reading this first chapter heheh i'm working on the second one already because, as i said, i have sososo many things i wanna add to this! i hope i won't give up in the middle of this story lmao but yeah thanks for reading!!


	2. Two

After a few beats of awkward silence, of Taeyong feeling like time has stopped, of his heart feeling so unbearably heavy, he finally brought himself to function again.

Taeyong dug his fingers into his thighs, forced himself to look up at Jaehyun and crack a small, weak, _dishonest_ smile, "Dating? That's... nice. I'm happy for you. Seokmin is great."

Jaehyun hummed in response, thanking Taeyong. He was smiling as well but it was so obvious that his smile didn't reach his eyes and Taeyong's heart started screaming, crying, begging for all this to just stop. Taeyong couldn't see Jaehyun like this, and even less could he be the reason for Jaehyun's current state.

So he pulled himself together and thought of all the positive outcomes this situation brought with itself; Jaehyun had someone who loved him, someone who was able to show him how precious and valuabe he was, someone who could treat him just the way he deserved to be treated. Someone who was able to do all the things Taeyong was too afraid of. Jaehyun deserved to have someone like that in his life and as long as Taeyong couldn't be that person, he had absolutely no right to be mad about someone else being that person.

Taeyong, now as pulled together as possible, smiled. He really, sincerely smiled with all his might because thinking about Jaehyun being happy in whatver way never failed to make him smile. He reached out to the younger and softly brushed his knuckles with his fingers, eventually embracing his hands with his own. He looked him straight in the eye and spoke his mind as genuinely as he could, "Jaehyun listen, I'm really happy for you. You deserve nothing but the best and I'm sure Seokmin will give you exactly that. This is a good thing."

Taeyong felt about a billion tons of weight being taken off his his mind as he watched Jaehyun's eyes lighting up with their usual sparkle. Taeyong slightly tightened his grip on Jaehyun's hands, the younger thanked him many more times than necessary and for that moment everything seemed back to normal, the way it belonged.

Jaehyun offered to pay and before Taeyong could even get the chance to decline because "I'm older than you, why would I let you pay?" Jaehyun had already called a waiter to their table, handing him the amount of money they had to pay, plus a little extra as a tip, and soon after they were already outside, in front of the coffee shop.

By now the streets weren't that empty anymore. There were many people rushing them by, many cars speeding through the streets. All these people looked so busy, hectic and overworked, Taeyong took a moment to thank whoever was responsible that he wasn't so stressed all the time, and especially not right now. What mattered to him in that exact moment was Jaehyun. Jaehyun walking so closely next to him since there was just _no space_ on the streets of this huge city. It wasn't cold outside so he wasn't particularly in need of any warm-ups but he was still grateful that he was able to feel the warmth radiating from Jaehyun's body.

Taeyong felt such a strong urge to just intertwine their fingers, like they used to do all the time but he couldn't do that anymore. There were many things he couldn't do anymore now but that was okay, as long as it meant that Jaehyun was happy.

As they reached the part of their university campus where their paths would part, Taeyong suddenly remembered something.

"Will I see you at Mark's party tonight?" he asked, really, _really_ hoping that Jaehyun would say yes.

"Yeah, I'll be there. Seokmin will probably come too, I hope you two will get to talk a bit, I really want you guys to get along," Jaehyun's eyes were overflowing with hopes and expectations Taeyong wasn't sure he'd be able to meet.

The elder just smiled and nodded, bid Jaehyun goodbye and not until he reached the door to his room did he notice that something inside him had _died_ at the thought of seeing Jaehyun and Seokmin together.

-

As he entered his room he noticed that his roommate, whose name was Johnny by the way, had company. The boy that was sitting next to Johnny on his bed was called Ten. Ten practically was the third resident of this dorm, him and Johnny were so close, they'd spend as much time together as they possibly could.

At that thought Taeyong bitterly smiled to himself, suddenly being reminded of the many times him and Jaehyun had to kick Ten out of the dorm room when he was just lying on Johnny's bed despite the other one not even being there.

Taeyong admired these two. They never seemed to have arguments or even disagree on anything. He wondered how they did that but then quickly dismissed the thought, remembering why he had entered the room in the first place.

While stuffing his laptop into his bag, he greeted the two, mumbled something about not being able to stay because he had a paper to finish, then left again with a "See you guys at Mark's party later!"

-

On his way to the library Taeyong tried to distract himself. He didn't want to lose his mind about something as _simple_ as Jaehyun dating someone that wasn't him.

He soon realized that taking his mind off Jaehyun was a lot harder than he had initially thought. How was he supposed to think about something else when he could associate literally every place on this campus with Jaehyun?

He walked past the cafeteria, thinking of all the times Jaehyun and him had shared their lunch in the last rows of the huge hall, trying to avoid talking to anyone else.

He looked up at the roof of the university building, remembering all the times Jaehyun and him had met up there when everything just became too much, too loud, too heavy to bear. He loved spending time on the roof with Jaehyun. It was always so peaceful and nothing could stop him from admiring every small aspect about Jaehyun.

On sunny days his skin would glow like the sun itself, his eyes would sparkle brighter than the most luminous stars the sky had to offer. No matter what, Jaehyun's radiance would always win against mother nature's.

On rainy days, however, they would stay under the small awning on top of the roof – close, _so close_ together so they could stay warm and avoid catching a cold. It didn't matter how heavily it was raining, how cold it actually was, Jaehyun's body would always keep Taeyong's smaller frame in a warm, save, domestic embrace that Taeyong had never failed to be thankful for.

The closer he got to his actual destination, the more spots he passed that evoked a huge variety of memories he shared with Jaehyun. But still, the one place that held the most memories he could connect with Jaehyun was his destination itself.

The Library.

Whenever Taeyong felt like simply disappearing, he'd just go to the library and either read or write something himself. Still, him wanting to disappear never included him wanting to get away from Jaehyun. It was rather the complete opposite. Taeyong knew, had always known that Jaehyun would never hurt him, that he'd respect and accept him just the way he was and, most importantly, that he could trust him.

Accordingly, when Taeyong went to the library to just leave this world for a few hours, Jaehyun would always accompany him. Most of the time he'd just sit next to Taeyong, either watch him do whatever he felt like doing that day or work on some assignments of his own.

On rare occasions Taeyong would become very clingy and talkative, so they'd end up on a small sofa in the far back of the building.

Jaehyun would listen to Taeyong rambling on about whatever was going on in his head, no matter how stupid it was he'd always take Taeyong seriously and reply in a deferential way, keeping Taeyong's mood up. He'd let Taeyong rest his head on his shoulder, his chest, his lap, he'd stroke the elder's hair, caress his cheeks, hold his hands. He'd never decline him any form of comfort, he'd always be there for him.

As Taeyong reached the library, he noticed how fast his heart was beating. His hands were sweating and he felt as if someone had knocked all the air out of his lungs. As if _Jaehyun_ had knocked all the air out of his lungs.

He knew that some things had to change from now on and their encounters in the library were probably to be counted as one of these things.

Taeyong honestly couldn't recall the last time he had felt that sad – couldn't recall the last time he felt like crying that much without someone, _without Jaehyun_ , being there to brush his thumbs over his cheeks to keep the tears from reaching his jaw, to hold him in a tight embrace, to smile at him as if everything was fine and not completely falling apart like it was in Taeyong's mind.

-

After sitting down at one of the luckily still empty tables, Taeyong placed his laptop in front of him and opened the document he needed in order to write his paper.

Right before he could start typing, he felt his phone vibrating in his pockets.

He really didn't hope for the text to be from Jaehyun so he really wasn't disappointed as he checked his phone screen and saw that the text was, indeed, not from Jaehyun but from his roommate.

  
  


**Johnny [01:44 PM]**

hey taeyong

i know youre studying right now so i'm sorry to interrupt but

ten wanted to know if you were going to mark's party with someone

i think he wants to go with you

is it okay if i give him your number?

  
  


Oh, well. Taeyong had definitely not seen that coming.

He felt really sorry leaving Johnny on read like that, but he seriously couldn't deal with this right now. He liked Ten a lot, he was a great guy but to Taeyong, he was nothing more than a great guy (who spent too much time on his bed) and that was the problem. He had to think of a way to politely decline the offer later so he wouldn't end up hurting any more feelings, screwing anything more up than he already had.

With his phone back in his pocket, vibration turned off, Taeyong started writing his text.

He wrote and wrote and wrote a little more, not even realizing what he was writing about until it was too late.

"Examine the way the author's stance on the topic discussed in the text is presented by analyzing the use of language." is what was written in the e-mail his professor sent him a while ago. So, understandably one would expect Taeyong's analysis would contain sentences like "The author protrays the topic in a negative way," or, "He makes use of several stylistic devices in order to convince the reader of his opinion," however, the words beaming on Taeyong's computer screen didn't even get close to these lines.

He tried reading the words his fingers typed in such a careless manner and it was not until then that he noticed the tears streaming down his cheekbones, _reaching his jaw_.

Unconsciously, he had been writing about Jaehyun. About his beauty, both on the outside and the inside. About the way his heartrate sped up whenever Jaehyun was around, was holding his hand, was making sure Taeyong would be warm and happy.

As Taeyong brushed his tears away using his own thumbs, he didn't let his mind wander to where it so desperately wanted to be, where it belonged to.

Instead he pulled out his phone again and, with shaky fingers, he opened Johnny's contact information.

  
  


**Taeyong [02:13 PM]**

hey sorry i didn't reply i was working on my paper

sure you can give ten my number i'd like to go with him :)

  
  


  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!!! i'm back!!! first, i noticed that the format of the first chapter was a bit weird, i hope i managed to fix that and that its better now?? second, i wanna thank you guys SOSOSO much for all the kudos and comments, i was honestly so overwhelmed with your positive feedback <333
> 
> now, i know that this chapter is pretty short and its kinda a filler like. nothing really happens and i'm sorry for that aaah but i'm gonna be on vacation for a week from tomorrow on and i really wanted to publish one more chapter before that sooo here you go, i hope you liked it!
> 
> thank you so much for reading!!


	3. Three

Later that day Taeyong found himself in front of his wardrobe, hopelessly going through his clothes, looking for something nice to wear.

Needless to say, his search was quite unlucky since Taeyong really wasn't the type of person to go out a lot, so every item of clothing he owned screamed  _ boring _ . He let out a small sigh, deciding that there was no chance he'd find something suitable among his own clothes.

In the end Taeyong became so desperate that he ended up asking Johnny for help. To absolutely nobody's surprise, the older man had neither any nice clothes to spare nor any helpful advise for Taeyong on how to dress up.

"I'll just call Ten. I'm sure he'll be able to help you and he's gonna have to come here to pick you up anyway," Johnny informed him while already typing something - probably a text to Ten - away on his phone, not even giving Taeyong the chance to reply.

Not even half an hour later someone was knocking on their door and since Johnny was currently busy styling his hair or something along the lines, Taeyong put his phone in the back pocket of his pants and got up to open the door.

He was shocked, to say the least. Ten looked incredible, dressed in a black t-shirt of some band he had never heard of, a leather jacket, pants so tight they'd compliment every single muscle of his legs and a pair of black biker boots.

Taeyong was fascinated. He had seen the other boy dressed up many times before, but never had he been dressed up for  _ him _ . Ten was here for Taeyong, and Taeyong alone.

He could feel a blush creeping up his neck, his cheeks, the tip of his ears. It being apparently very visible, since he could hear Ten giggling as he shook his head and held out his hand to greet Taeyong.

Taeyong - embarrassed, overwhelmed, _stupid_ Taeyong dumbly blinked at his hand a few times before comprehending the gesture and finally stretching out his own hand, finally accepting Ten's greeting.

He felt self-conscious, mumbling out a small “hey, you look really nice,” making Ten giggle once more.

“Thank you, Tae! You look, um. Well, you don't look bad yourself but I'm gonna make sure you look great instead of not bad, all right?”

“I'd love that. Thank you so much for helping me out, I really appreciate it.”

Ten smiled at him with such sincerity and admiration he had only been used to receiving from one person, but again, he wouldn't let his mind wander there. This was supposed to be a fun evening and Taeyong really didn't need to feel any forms of sadness or regret right now.

He smiled back at the other boy, watching him unpack a bag full of clothes on Johnny's bed.

Ten looked at Taeyong for a few seconds, probably analyzing his features, deciding on which outfit he'd make him wear tonight.

He then took a few, swift steps closer to him, brushing soft knuckles over his shoulder, his bicep, down to his hand, squeezing it lightly. At his touch Taeyong felt the skin on his arm erupting in goosebumps, the hair rising up. He really didn't know how to feel about being touched, being looked at, being _admired_ by someone who wasn't Jaehyun. It felt weird.

Ten shot him one more bright, toothy grin, then he snapped his fingers, having decided on what would look best on Taeyong, not even considering asking him about it.

In Taeyong's opinion, people not letting him speak his mind happened way too often, especially when it was about topics involving him. But he didn't think it mattered, he didn't think he'd have the right to protest anymore, so he just accepted it, no matter if it was Ten, Johnny, Jaehyun or someone else. They just did what they thought was best. It was okay. He was okay.

Ten handed him a few pieces of clothing. “Here try these on, they should fit. I'll turn around so you can change.”

Taeyong nodded, Ten turned around, and so he began changing.

Letting others decide for him was definitely not, or at least not always, a bad thing, Taeyong decided as he took a look at himself in the mirror. Ten's clothes fit him surprisingly well, they were neither too tight nor too loose, also they were really comfortable.

Still, Taeyong felt way out of his comfort zone, dressed in this black, silky, almost see-through shirt and the tight pair of jeans, covered in tears and holes from top to bottom.

Before he got the chance to tell Ten that he could turn around again, he heard the door to the room being opened, a now dressed up Johnny with perfectly styled hair stepping into the room, whistling the melody of some song Taeyong couldn't recognize. However, once he looked up and stared straight at Taeyong, he stopped making sounds, stopped moving, letting his jaw drop down.

“Dude,” Johnny breathed out. By now Ten had turned around himself, smirking triumphantly at the scenario in front of him.

“I'm so proud to call you my date tonight.”

 _Date_. The second Ten had spoken that word Taeyong felt his entire face heating up again. He had two pairs of eyes focused on him and a beautiful boy calling him his _date_. He wasn't used to this at all.

“Seriously Yong, if it wasn't for Ten taking you out tonight, I'd do it myself, like, I don't think you realize how freaking hot you look right now?”

No. Nope. No way. Taeyong would never get used to this load of attention. He felt really weird standing in the center. So before his face could become any redder and before his hands could become any more sweaty, he quickly thanked the two boys but also _begged_ them to stop because “you're embarrassing me, please.”

After Ten fixed a few more details because apparently he couldn't be dressed like _this_ when his hair looked like _that_ and he apparently also needed to put on some accessories as well as embrace himself in a cloud of musky cologne, he grabbed the present he got for Mark and then let Ten lead him outside.

Johnny promised to catch up with them later, since he was waiting for someone to pick him up himself, so after quickly exchanging a few “goodbye”s and “see you later”s, it was only Ten and Taeyong.

-

The walk to Mark's house was peaceful, beautiful even. It was already dark outside and the sky was so clear you could have counted every single star if you wanted to. The two young men talked about small, simple topics on their way, enjoying the light atmosphere, enjoying each other's presence.

Taeyong felt so light around Ten, like he just took all of Taeyong's emotional baggage and threw it far, far away, never to be seen again. Taeyong felt nice. He really liked spending time with him.

Accordingly, he happily nodded as Ten asked him if he could hold his hand halfway through their walk. He grinned at him, intertwined their fingers and made it feel like nothing bad had ever happened on this planet, like everything and everyone was just good and happy.

Ten was fun. Ten was good. Ten was easy. Ten kept all the positivity one singe human being could hold in his body, and Taeyong appreciated that about him so much. Spending time with such a happy, positive person was nothing but infectious and that was exactly what he had needed right then.

He was so thankful for Ten wanting to accompany him.

-

As they arrived at Mark's home Ten let go of Taeyong's hand to properly greet a few people.

On of Ten's friends – Was his name Lucas? - raised his eyebrows at the sight of them and gave Ten a thumbs up, after which he leaned in, close to Ten's ear, said something Taeyong couldn't make out over the loud music. He shot them one final wink and as quickly as he had approached them, he had melted right back into the crowd again.

Taeyong was confused. Ten apparently found it amusing how bad Taeyong was at hiding his state of mind since he was full on laughing at him, loud and clear.

“Lucas was just congratulating me for bringing such a hot date, Taeyong, stop being insecure, you look incredibly great,” his laugh had shrunken down to a small, reassuring smile by now, which Taeyong gladly accepted and returned.

“Come on, let's go find Mark,” Ten had his hand held out again for Taeyong to take, and so they walked through the packed house, hand in hand, finally running into Mark as they entered the kitchen.

“Mark!” Ten practically screeched out as he spotted the younger boy. “Hey guys,” he excitedly greeted them, giving both of them a small hug.

Taeyong seriously couldn't believe that his little cousin, teeny tiny Mark, had turned 18 today. Became an adult today. He felt really sorry for him, as he was still unaware of all the responsibilities, all the problems that he would have to face from now on. Still, he was excited, he was proud. Mark had come so far in his life already and Taeyong was convinced that there was a lot more to come for a boy so talented, so committed, so ambitious, so hard-working. He deserved the entire world and nothing less.

“Happy birthday young man,” Taeyong smiled, ruffling Mark's hair. To that the younger boy let out an annoying groan, mumbling “I'm too old for this now” under his breath, yet still loud enough for about everyone in that room to hear.

Both Taeyong and Ten let out a giggle. And the sound of Taeyong's laugh was sincere. He was truly happy, truly in the mood to express his happiness right then, right there. It was a great event, he could never deny that much.

So when him and Ten handed Mark their presents and the birthday boy started shrieking excitedly, his happiness finally peaked. Just in that moment, Mark looked like he was a small first grader on his first day of school all over again. Taeyong could remember that day so clearly. He was so endlessly glad to see that Mark had still kept his childlike innocence, his happiness so true and untouched an adult, _Taeyong_ , could never claim to be his own.

Suddenly, someone in the kitchen called for a round of shots, the three of them gladly accepting the offer and sitting down at the big table in the middle of the room. Some girl Taeyong didn't know poured a white liquid into all of their cups and once she had finished the round, they all downed said liquid in a matter of seconds.

It was unpleasant, to put it in a nice way. Taeyong felt the alcohol run down his throat, actually _burn_ his throat until it reached his stomach, releasing a familiar, welcoming warmth.

It went on like that for a while. Taeyong lost count of all the shots that were taken. It was fun, it made him feel so light, exactly like something he'd want to associate with Ten.

He was happy to see everyone around him having fun, laughing along to whatever the round was talking about now and then.

He was happy.

That was until a certain figure stepped into the room, a second figure closely tagging along. Although the figure staying behind made an incredible impression, dressed up in such a nice, fitting, complimenting way, Taeyong's eyes were glued to the first one.

Dark hair styled back, forehead showing, a simple white shirt tucked into light blue pants, cuffed at the ankles. He looked so simple, yet so ethereal.

Taeyong suddenly felt like puking, every single part of his insides twisting, knotted together, leaving no space for oxygen in his lungs, for the happiness he had been feeling before.

Ten must have noticed his discomfort, since he could feel the younger boy's hand on his thigh, squeezing it lightly, conveying as much comfort as possible, while the two men that had entered the room greeted all of them, wished Mark the happiest of birthdays, gave him his gifts, the usual.

Taeyong forced himself to look at Ten, forced himself to smile, forced himself to breathe out a quiet “yeah” as he was asked if he was okay. Ten was so caring. Ten cared about _him_. His smile shouldn't be forced. Taeyong felt so bad about it.

The two men stepped up to them, “guys, hi! I'm so happy to see you here, did you get here safely?” were the last words Taeyong registered Seokmin speaking. His smile was basically blinding. There were no other words to describe it. He looked so happy, so friendly and Taeyong knew that he was exactly that, yet he still didn't feel safe enough to breathe freely.

He saw Ten's lips moving in order to answer the question directed to them, but all the sounds were shielded to Taeyong's ears. He slowly, carefully moved his gaze away from Ten, up to the person that had entered first, now being the one to stand behind. He immediately noticed how he was staring back at him, their eyes meeting. The dark, warm eyes belonging to that one boy, that one soul who meant the entire world to Taeyong.

Neither of them was smiling, they were just looking. Just _being_. Something they had done of their Friday afternoons so, so often. Yet another thing they wouldn't be able to keep up anymore. Taeyong was definitely going to miss that one the most.

He was so immersed in the other's presence that he didn't even notice the question directed at him until Ten softly stroked the hair out of his face with a “Taeyong, are you listening?” accompanied by a soft chuckle. That was such a Ten-thing to do.

Taeyong slightly jumped at the sudden interaction, “I- yes. No. I'm sorry, I was a bit distracted. Whats's up?”

Jaehyun had stopped staring at Taeyong by then, instead focusing his gaze on Seokmin. Taeyong watched their hands locking, and quickly looked up at Seokmin, shooting him a small smile.

“I just wanted to know how your exam on Tuesday went. Jaehyun told me how hard you were studying and how exhausted you were.”

Well, of course Jaehyun had to talk to Seokmin out of all people about him and his stress. And of course Seokmin had to be concerned, had to actually sound interested in Taeyong and his well being.

Taeyong tried dismissing all the negative thoughts that were creeping into his mind right then, let out a little sigh and explained how it could have been better but he was still satisfied since he gave his best.

“I got my fingers crossed for you then,” Seokmin said, still grinning, actually _crossing his fingers_ right in front of his eyes.

Taeyong should be happy for Jaehyun. Seokmin really was the nicest person on this planet and Jaehyun deserved to be with the nicest person on earth more than anyone else. There was no reason to hate Seokmin. He was perfect. Jaehyun deserved perfect.

He thanked him, sincerely this time, in need of all the luck he could get for the results of that exam.

“Guess we'll see you later then, right? We'll go dancing now,” Seokmin and Jaehyun waved in their direction and then they disappeared into the living room, functioning as the dance floor today.

As soon as they were gone Ten intertwined his hand with Taeyong's to get his attention, “Wanna get out of here?”

Taeyong shook his head since he really didn't want to leave yet. It was still so early and besides, he was here for Mark. He shouldn't bring his stupid problems to his cousin's birthday party.

“Okay. Let's get out of the kitchen, though. I think Mark's friend over there is about to puke and I'd rather not have to smell that, thank you very much.”

That actually made Taeyong laugh, so with Ten grinning as proudly as if he had just won a Grammy, they stepped into the hall, settling down on a small couch in a corner.

The music couldn't be heard as loudly in here, so they had a chance to hold a real conversation.

Ten immediately took that opportunity, getting right to _that_ topic, “Can I ask you something?”

Taeyong hummed, pretty sure that he knew what was about to come.

“Do you love him? Jaehyun, I mean.”

And there it was. A question, although so short, so simple, not struggling to make Taeyong feel all sorts of emotions. Not struggling to take control over his entire body, every nerve navigating his brain, making him tense up, stopping the flow of his thoughts.

That question hit him in all the wrong places. The question he had been asking himself for an eternity by now, now asked by someone else. Someone that wasn't his own brain, his own _twisted, complicated_ mind that nobody but Taeyong – and sometimes not even himself – could understand.

“Relax Taeyong, please,” Ten looked at him with the most worried expression Taeyong had ever seen on that bright, happy boy, “we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.”

It's not like Taeyong didn't _want to._ It would probably be very nice and also very helpful to get a new, different perspective on the mess that was him and Jaehyun. It was more like Taeyong felt like he _couldn't_. He couldn't find the words – let alone form the sentences – to describe their situation in a way that other people could understand it. Most of the time, Taeyong didn't even understand it himself.

Taeyong had to be rational now. He knew that he couldn't continue dealing with all this on his own. He'd end up losing his mind entirely, leaving him with nothing but a sanity that once belonged to him. Stuttering the words out, forming terrible sentence structures was still better than not saying anything at all. He would never write the way he spoke anyway, so where was the harm in trying? He trusted Ten.

“No, no it's fine. It's just that. I don't know. Honestly. Whenever I'm with him, or even just in the same room as him, I feel different, usually good, you know? But lately, that has changed in a way, I just. I don't know,” Taeyong sighed, feeling so boundlessly horrible about being the reason for the other boy's deep frown.

He didn't answer for a while, Taeyong feeling worse by the second. But he did the right thing by telling Ten, he knew that. He tried staring at his hands to distract his mind but they kept so many memories, made him think about both Jaehyun and Ten, kept on making him him feel bad.

He took a quick glance in Ten's direction, seeing him chew on his lips, deep in thought. Sometimes Taeyong wished he was able to read other people's minds. Life would be so much easier.

Taeyong then decided to just stare at the wall in front of him. No memories, no associations. However, now that his eyes didn't get to look at something that would trigger a flow of thoughts, his mind came up with its own pictures. It got Taeyong to be thinking about Ten's lips now. He felt so, _so_ bad.

“Please say something? Or don't if you can't, that's fine too. I just-”

“I think he loves you,” Ten whispered, then realizing he had cut Taeyong off, “oh, sorry for interruption you.”

Ten was back to chewing on his lip, Taeyong was back to staring at Ten doing exactly that and nothing had changed about him feeling terrible.

He knew that Jaehyun loved him. Correction; he thought he knew that Jaehyun loved him. He had never been able to understand it and not even Ten saying it out loud helped him comprehend these simple three words. His entire mind went blank.

Taeyong couldn't bring himself to say something, _anything_ , too scared to say something stupid, too shocked to think of any words in the first place, no matter how hard he tried. So Ten started talking again, “I know he's with Seokmin and all but the way he was staring at you earlier, that was intense. And you were staring back, so I figured I'd just ask. I hope you're not upset or anything.”

This time it was Taeyong's turn to place his reassuring palm on Ten's skin. He went for his upper arm, finally able to talk. He wasn't upset. Not at all.

“It's, um, fine. I guess. Do you really think he _loves_ me?” Taeyong asked, pronouncing the “ _loves_ ” in a weird way, not used to saying that word out loud.

Ten nodded, putting his own palm on top of Taeyong's hand, “you know I like you a lot, so why would I lie about this and ruin my own chances with you?”

Luckily, he was back to smiling and laughing and left the frowning behind. Taeyong felt one of the many stones on his heart falling down, hundreds still remaining on top of it. But he was thankful. Thankful for Ten, for everything the younger had done for Taeyong so far, for everything he was doing right now, for everything he would do in the future.

“You're so nice, it's unbelievable,” Taeyong was laughing alongside Ten, expressing how thankful he really was, as two familiar figurines stepped into their field of view inside the living room. They were dancing so closely, there was absolutely no space left between them. They were kissing so heavily you'd think they needed to breathe each other in instead of oxygen in order to survive.

Taeyong's laughter died in his throat and he decided to stare at the wall again. He could hear a sigh leaving Ten's lips, could feel Ten's grip on his hand tightening. He was too afraid that he had caused his beautiful, soft face to have erupted in a frown once again to look at him. And then he could hear Ten's voice, “Do you trust me?”

Did he trust him? Taeyong didn't need a single second to answer that question, having decided that Ten was a good, trustworthy person the moment he had met him for the very first time. “Of course I do.”

“Then come with me.” Ten stood up and went into the living room, all the while dragging a slightly confused Taeyong along with him.

They stopped right in the middle of the room, in a way that Taeyong was facing Jaehyun and Jaehyun was facing Taeyong. Ten looked around the room one more time, nodded and then put his hands on Taeyong's hips, seemingly approving of their position. He looked Taeyong straight in the eye and began moving his body to the music, Taeyong letting himself be led by him, following along.

At first he was too mesmerized by Ten's moves to notice the way Jaehyun was staring at him once again – He was a fantastic dancer. His moves looked so smooth, so clean, as if he had been born to do this and only this. Taeyong recalled the many times he had overheard Ten talking to Johnny about his various dance projects just as passionately as Jaehyun could talk about art and Taeyong could talk about literature, if not even more.

With his thoughts back in the presence, Taeyong noticed that while the couple had stopped making out as Ten and him had entered the room, the moment Jaehyun's stare had shifted to Ten's hands on Taeyong's hips, their lips had been connected again.

Taeyong wasn't sure if he could believe his eyes in what they were telling him was happening right in front of him. The scenario was just too absurd, too surreal. It was like Taeyong's brain had come up with its own story about the events of the evening, telling it like and experienced narrator, _liar_ , trying to trick Taeyong into a magical world that wasn't real. Wasn't real at all.

Yet there Jaehyun was, kissing Seokmin with a deep, _deep_ , passion, full of lust, and with his gaze piercing holes right through Taeyong's own two eyes.

It was so unbelievable.

It became even more unbelievable as he saw Ten leaning in himself, getting closer and closer, but passing Taeyong's face, getting right to the side of his head. He placed his lips on Taeyong's earlobe and whispered, “you trust me, right? I know what I'm doing, just follow along.”

Taeyong's skin was tingling. He wasn't sure what exactly had caused it – the alcohol, Ten's breath on his skin, the words Ten had just spoken – the only thing he knew was that he was excited. That was definitely a fact.

So Taeyong hummed in approval, took a deep breath preparing himself for what was about to come next and felt Ten shifting right after.

The moment he felt Ten's lips on his was also the moment he felt Jaehyun's stare intensifying. Burning right through his eyes with such a heat, his entire body felt on fire even more than it already did before.

Kissing Ten didn't feel bad. Not at all. Taeyong didn't understand why the way Jaehyun eyes were fixed on him got his body to heat up more than the touch of Ten's soft lips on his did. This wasn't Taeyong's first kiss, he knew how good kissing could feel, how worked up it could get you. What was different from all his prior kisses was that Jaehyun had never been right there, _staring at him_ before. This was a whole new experience, new sensation for Taeyong and he wasn't sure if he enjoyed it.

He observed Jaehyun's and Seokmin's kisses growing hotter, more desperate, more needy. He noticed Jaehyun's grip on Seokmin's waist becoming tighter, Jaehyun obviously becoming more possessive of the other boy, not afraid or ashamed to show the entire world that he was _his_. Taeyong couldn't help imagining what it would feel like to be the one being held by Jaehyun, to be the one Jaehyun so proudly called his own.

All the while Jaehyun's eyes didn't leave Taeyong's. The only time he looked away was when Taeyong started stroking Ten's neck, softly pulling at his hair. That time, Jaehyun's gaze was fixated on Taeyong's fingers.

Jaehyun's eyes that were usually shining in such a soft, lovely, dark brown were now glistening in such an ugly, intense shade of green. Full of hate, full of dislike. These weren't the eyes Taeyong was used to, the eyes that had given him so much comfort for the longest time, the eyes that he had grown so fond of.

It was weird. Jaehyun seemed so hyperaware of everything Taeyong did, everything being done to Taeyong, it was almost as if he was jealous.

But that couldn't be true. He was with Seokmin after all.

The things he did with his hands and the rest of his body stood in such a huge contrast to the message his eyes were conveying. Taeyong was so overwhelmed, Jaehyun had definitely never acted in such a confusing way before.

So he tried concentrating on Ten. On Ten's hands caressing his hips, his back, his neck. On Ten's lips softly pressing against his own, his tongue carefully exploring the insides of his mouth.

All of Ten's actions were so gentle, so loving, so mellow. There was no way one could dislike being treated like that, no way one could be wishing to be in someone else's arms right then and yet, the only thing on Taeyong's mind was Jaehyun. He was imagining how Jaehyun would hold him, how he would kiss him, whether he'd be as soft as Ten was right now or if he'd be as rough, as passionate as he was with Seokmin.

Taeyong couldn't handle this any longer. He couldn't bring himself to focus on Ten the way he deserved while Jaehyun just wouldn't stop staring at him like _that_. Taeyong thought, the fastest way out of this was to just close his eyes since he still didn't want to leave. So he just did close his eyes and after a few moments he felt ready to focus on Ten and Ten only.

He finally got to enjoy every single aspect of the other's presence, every single sparkle he caused to unleash in his body. He didn't feel so hot, so overwhelmed anymore. He felt better – not exactly good, but better. Kissing Ten was nice this way.

As the song that had been currently playing ended and the next song on the playlist began filling the room, Ten tenderly pulled away, leaving one last tiny peck on Taeyong's lips. That's when Taeyong opened his eyes and, again, felt the need to sue his eyes for the sight being shown to him.

He could still see two people dancing and kissing but that was the only aspect left from the scene he had observed before. Out of the two people only one was male, neither of them had dark hair, neither of them was staring at him.

They had left. Jaehyun wasn't standing there anymore, wasn't watching him and Ten anymore. Taeyong didn't know how to feel about that but he came to the conclusion that it was none of his business. Jaehyun and Seokmin could do whatever they wanted, could go wherever they felt like going. They didn't need to stay at one place, especially not just because Taeyong was there.

There was no reason for Taeyong to stare in that direction anymore, so he let his gaze wander back to Ten's face who was smirking at him lazily, his lips a bit redder than usual, a bit swollen, his hair not as styled anymore. That was Taeyong's work. He should probably feel proud right now.

And, honestly, so he did. At least a little bit. He deserved to feel proud, feel _good_ right now. Ten was right here, with him, looking at him and there was nothing to feel bad about. No reason at all. All that adrenaline rushing through his veins caused him to be brave, caused him to place his hand on Ten's cheek, to slowly caress the soft skin lying right beneath his palm, to lean in and press his lips against Ten's again.

Ten melted right against him and Taeyong found their lips to be fitting together perfectly. With Ten everything was just perfect, there was nothing to stress about, nothing to worry about. Taeyong's mind finally got a chance to rest, finally got the long overdue break it deserved. Taeyong would never be able to tell Ten how thankful exactly he was for him being there.

-

After some more dancing, some more kissing and some more drinking Taeyong and Ten had ended up back on the small couch in the hallway. They were talking, laughing, flirting a little here and there, they were having a great time.

It was nice and it was good and it was fantastic and it was right. It was just so _Ten_. At least it was until Seokmin came running down the stairs, stopped in front of Taeyong, out of breath, exhausted. He looked so done, somewhat sad, not at all like _Seokmin_.

Both Taeyong and Ten looked at him in question until he finally spoke, “Jaehyun is up in the bathroom. He's throwing up, he's crying, I – I don't know what to do. Taeyong, he keeps asking for you, could you. Could you please go up to him?”

Jaehyun was _what now?_ Throwing up, crying and asking for him? This party was a mess and not at all how Taeyong had thought it would proceed.

But none of that mattered right now because Jaehyun wasn't feeling good and he needed Taeyong to be with him and how could Taeyong possibly say no right now? He shot Ten an apologetic look to which he responded with an “it's okay, go Tae” and before Taeyong knew it he was standing in front of the bathroom door upstairs.

So many thoughts were racing through his mind right now, so many scenarios that could be waiting for him just a few meters away.

Taeyong breathed in, “you can do this,” he told himself and slowly opened the door, stepping into the room.

Nothing his head had came up before could compete with the actual sight in front of him right now. Jaehyun was sitting on the floor, leaning against the bathtub, his hair a mess. He was breathing heavily, his face was red, tears were streaming down his cheeks. He had his hands digged into his own thighs, staring at the ceiling.

The second he noticed Taeyong's presence he let out a small, shy sob, too afraid to scare Taeyong away. But leaving Jaehyun was the last thing on his mind. His friend, his _best friend_ was feeling miserable and he was in need of Taeyong's help, so no matter what had happened before, Taeyong would always be there for him.

He took a few more steps into the room, closed the door behind him and knelt down in front of Jaehyun. Jaehyun tried not to look at him but Taeyong wouldn't have any of that. Despite of their situation Jaehyun had asked for him, Taeyong had left Ten for him, looking at him was the least he could do, he owed him that much. So Taeyong lifted his chin with his right hand and tried untangling the raven strands of his silky hair with his left hand, whispering, “look at me, Jae.”

Jaehyun let a few more sobs escape his lips before finally complying, looking at Taeyong instead of the ceiling. The green monsters that were his eyes before now nowhere to be seen, sadly so were the warm, dark blocks of amber. The two eyes looking at Taeyong could be compared to cobblestone right after it rained, shining from the wetness but in a sad, gloomy way. How Jaehyun's eyes could transform into that many forms and shapes would always stay a mystery to Taeyong. Maybe it was all in his mind anyway and the younger's eyes actually always looked the same.

“I'm so sorry, Tae. For everything,” Jaehyun whispered, sobbed, slurred, all at once. That wasn't the way Jaehyun usually behaved, that wasn't _Jaehyun_. Taeyong couldn't believe what was witnessing with his own two eyes.

“Jae... How much did you drink?”

Jaehyun simply shrugged, more tears streaming down his face.

Taeyong was so worried, so concerned. He didn't know what to do, what to ask. He didn't know how to help Jaehyun, even though he wanted nothing more but for him to feel better.

Eventually, he decided that he was way too inexperienced to be a proper help for Jaehyun, so he just ended up doing what he thought would comfort him the most if he was in such a situation himself. He'd just want Jaehyun to be there, to touch him, to be able to feel the warmth of Jaehyun's body.

He moved so that he was sitting next to Jaehyun, leaning against the bathtub as well. He carefully placed one arm around Jaehyun's shoulders and with the other one he continued combing through his hair. Jaehyun rested his head on Taeyong's shoulder and they stayed like that for God knows how long. Taeyong always lost track of time when he was with Jaehyun. When they were together Jaehyun was the only thing that mattered, the only thing on his mind and he couldn't care less about something as trivial as time.

After a while Jaehyun lifted his head up again, telling Taeyong that he was feeling better, apologizing for destroying his evening.

“Stop right here. You didn't destroy my evening, it's okay. I'm glad you're feeling better,” Taeyong smiled at him, happy to see that Jaehyun was actually smiling back.

“You wanna go get some fresh air?” Taeyong asked, just then realizing how bad the air in the tiny bathroom must have been.

Jaehyun nodded, standing up, stretching out his hand in front of Taeyong for him to take it, just the way Ten had done earlier.

-

They were sitting next to each other on the fire escape staircase of Mark's building, their feet swinging in the air. It was nice. The air was very refreshing and much-needed. The cloudy haze inside of Taeyong's head finally vanishing, his thoughts beginning to become clear again.

Jaehyun looked pretty distracted, constantly staring into the distance. Once again, Taeyong wished to be able to read other people's minds. What was Jaehyun thinking about? Would they talk about what happened in the living room earlier? Taeyong did really want to talk about it, but not now. No, now was definitely not the right time.

“Jae, what's on your mind?” Taeyong asked, hoping that he wasn't thinking about them in the living room, hoping that he was thinking about something nice, something he'd want to share with him.

“I want to do something stupid. Tae, let's do something stupid.”

“Huh?”

“Let's run away together,” Jaehyun was still staring into the distance, observing the busy streets of the city, the many lights, the people passing by, the cars rushing along as if they were in a race. Taeyong was glad not to be among that crowd, he was glad to be with Jaehyun right now. His words, however, were _so_ confusing to Taeyong. It took him a moment to fully comprehend what Jaehyun just suggested. Running away, just the two of them, leaving everything and everyone behind them. They would be free, their life would be easy.

At first, it seemed like a good idea, a really appealing one. Yet, the more Taeyong thought about it the more unrealistic it became. They couldn't just run away together, they couldn't just drop out of college, leave all their friends and family behind. Jaehyun couldn't leave _Seokmin_ behind.

“You know we can't do that.” Taeyong tried to reason, his mind still picturing him and Jaehyun, alone at some place far away.

“I know,” Jaehyun sighed, “but I still want to. Just you and me, you know? That would be nice.”

“It would be nice, yeah.”

They both knew that it would be _amazing_ , that they'd both be happier than they've ever been before in all the time they've spent on earth so far. But, still they both had to accept the reality, the fact that it was simply impossible for them to run away. And deep in their hearts, they both did know that as well.

-

Taeyong couldn't stop himself from constantly staring at Jaehyun. His features were softened by the moonlight and as always, his eyes were shining so brightly Taeyong had struggles telling them apart from the stars hanging right above them, looking down on them. He felt sorry for them.

The green-eyed, hateful form of Jaehyun as well as the heartbreakingly sad cobblestones replacing his eyes had long disappeared and Taeyong prayed to god, to the stars, to whoever had been listening, that they both would never return.

He preferred this soft, lovable, good version of Jaehyun. The version he had been used to and had been so afraid of losing lately.

Still afraid of somehow losing that precious version of the boy he needed so much, Taeyong just kept staring and staring until Jaehyun eventually noticed.

Their eyes locked and Jaehyun started grinning, all toothy, so innocently, just like a child would. With his teeth glistening in the moonlight, he swung his right leg above Taeyong's left one.

Taeyong took a quick glance at the mess that was their legs and let out an exaggerated huff, causing both of them to laugh in a way that was so loud, so hearty, only the two of them could be responsible for. Taeyong enjoyed this _so much_. He had missed this, just being with Jaehyun, laughing with him, feeling free and light.

After a few moments of comfortable silence Jaehyun replaced his leg on Taeyong's thigh with his hand. Taeyong was able to watch the slender fingers resting on his leg for a few seconds before Jaehyun decided he'd rather play with the tears of the pants Taeyong was clad in.

This interaction made Taeyong feel a huge indescribable load of warm, tingly emotions spread from all over his skin to the smallest cells of his body. He ended up staring at Jaehyun again, who was simply smiling at him. The same, familiar smile as always, the same deep dimples as always.

“You know, you look really different today,” Jaehyun softly spoke, his eyes not once leaving Taeyong's. The elder raised his eyebrows in question, “different good or different bad?”

“Different good. Definitely. I've never seen you like this before.”

At this, Taeyong took a mental note to thank Ten endlessly more times later. He felt the rate of his heartbeat picking up and noticed just how much control, how much _power_ , Jaehyun actually held over him, over the way his body and mind reacted to his actions and words.

“Well, these aren't my clothes, they're Ten's,” Taeyong explained. Only as Jaehyun's face slightly fell, as he stopped looking at Taeyong, preferring to stare into the distance some more, did Taeyong notice how him being here with Ten was a sensitive topic.

Everything involving him and Ten together would most likely form a sensitive topic. Taeyong had already thought about that before, so why his brain decided that mentioning it right here, right now would be a good idea, Taeyong didn't understand.

It couldn't be any clearer, any more obvious how jealous Jaehyun was. It still didn't make any sense to Taeyong and he was convinced that it never would, but there was no other possible explanation for Jaehyun's behavior – well, except him disliking Ten but Taeyong knew that this wasn't the case since Jaehyun had already told him many times how much he adored said boy.

Still staring into the distance, Jaehyun whispered, barely audible, “it doesn't matter what you're wearing, you'll always be the most beautiful person in the room.”

The second the words had left Jaehyun's lips, he tried removing his hand from Taeyong's leg but as soon as Taeyong felt the pressure and the warmth on his skin shrinking, fading, _leaving_ , he quickly placed his own hand above Jaehyun's. He wouldn't let Jaehyun just get away with that without giving Taeyong the chance to reply. This time he knew that he had every right to answer, every right to say what was on his mind.

They were looking into each other's eyes again now and Taeyong, too confused, too overwhelmed, too scared to say what he actually meant to, what he really _wanted_ to say, ended up whispering, “not as long as you're in the same room,” just as quiet, just as insecure.

Taeyong tried ignoring the way Jaehyun's gaze would flicker down to his lips every now and then, he really did. But with all these emotions bubbling in the pit of his stomach, with his want to stare at Jaehyun's lips himself, it was just so complicated, so hard, so _impossible._

The fact that he could feel Jaehyun's breath on his skin should have been simple. The fact that he knew what he really wanted to do for the first time in forever should have been simple. The fact that Jaehyun was right there, with him, just a few inches away should have been so, _so_ simple.

Yet in reality, it was everything but.

It was confusing, it was wrong, it was _too hot_ – Taeyong was sweating so much, he just wanted to disappear, to stop having to deal with all of this.

It all became worse when he felt Jaehyun's breath on his face growing hotter, saw him inching closer and closer while Taeyong himself couldn't bring himself to move in any direction.

He could still slightly feel the alcohol buzzing in his system, he could feel the wind blowing on his skin – his skin that was prickling so hefty. Whether it was from the wind or from Jaehyun's presence, Taeyong couldn't tell.

Jaehyun kept on moving and Taeyong just couldn't do the same.

Until suddenly, he didn't have to anymore.

The second footsteps accompanied by _his_ voice became audible to them, Jaehyun's eyes grew twice their usual size and he moved away from Taeyong faster than ever before, taking a small piece of Taeyong's heart, of Taeyong's soul, of Taeyong's whole existence with him.

Taeyong immediately missed the warm hand on his body, the warm breath on his skin, the warmth spreading from those beautiful, sincere, bright eyes. If he was being honest with himself, he could actually feel his heart, his soul and his entire existence breaking a little.

He knew he had no right to be saddened by Jaehyun's actions, or even be mad at him, but still, the way Jaehyun had just thrown the entire moment away, had just thrown _Taeyong_ away made him incredibly upset.

Taeyong took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves, preparing himself for what was about to come next. He set up that fake smile had had perfected by now.

“There you are guys! We've been looking everywhere for you. Oh god babe, how are you feeling?” Seokmin blurted out as he stepped into their field of view, Ten following along closely behind him.

 _Babe_. He has just called Jaehyun his _babe_. Right then Taeyong could feel that green-eyed monster he had despised so much earlier arising inside him. The more it grew, the wider, the more dishonest, the more painful did his smile become.

Jaehyun quickly stood up and reassured Seokmin that he was fine, giving him a small peck on the cheek. The two of them then started mumbling - a short conversation so quiet nobody but them could follow it.

It all happened so fast. Not even five minutes after the two boys had approached them, Jaehyun and Seokmin were bidding their goodbyes and after some rushed “get home safely”s and “see you later”s, they were gone and they had finally taken all of Taeyong's emotions with them.

All the while Jaehyun hadn't looked at Taeyong once.

He was still sitting on the platform, now feeling absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. He was just existing right now, staring off into the distance, empty, drained, lifeless. Pathetic.

He didn't even notice Ten stepping up behind him until he placed his hand on his back and whispered, “I'm so sorry, Tae,” slowly, softly, carefully rubbing over the fabric of his shirt.

“Can we leave, too?” Taeyong asked, not feeling capable of staying here any longer, not having anything left to celebrate. He'd just text Mark tomorrow and apologize – hoping, really _knowing_ that he would forgive him. After all these years, he knew how Taeyong worked and he had forgiven him countless times already.

-

Ten dropped Taeyong off in front of his room. Taeyong thanked him, told him that he has had a wonderful time that night and that he was really, immensely thankful for him to have helped him boost his confidence that much.

“It was my pleasure, really,” Ten smiled, giving Taeyong's cheek a small stroke, which Taeyong melted right into.

“I would usually kiss you right now but I can't do that to you. You know, with all the stuff you got going on with Jaehyun,” he shrugged, the tiniest hint of sadness flashing through his eyes, however, still dominated by the huge waves of understanding. Taeyong still didn't know how on earth he deserved the attraction of someone as precious as Ten.

“I know it's complicated and I don't like the way things are right now at all,” he smiled bitterly, thinking about the many different ways Jaehyun had treated him during the last few hours, “I'll work on it. Thank you so much for understanding. You're a wonderful person, Ten.”

He gave Ten a small peck on his cheek, just the way Jaehyun had done to Seokmin. After promising that they'd text each other tomorrow and that Taeyong would keep Ten updated on the Jaehyun situation the younger boy left Taeyong alone for the rest of the night.

-

Taeyong cried that night. A lot.

He was finally able to feel emotions again, but honestly the majority of the things he was feeling right then was so negative Taeyong almost preferred not being able to feel anything at all.

He liked Ten and it wasn't like he disliked kissing him, he'd just rather have been kissing a certain someone else.

He liked Seokmin, but he didn't like seeing Jaehyun kiss him.

He knew that he had absolutely no business being mad, or sad, or devastated, but he couldn't help it. He shouldn't be feeling like this about the whole situation but he was in no state to change anything about the way he was feeling about it.

Seeing Jaehyun together with Seokmin earlier made him realize how much he already missed Jaehyun, his best friend, his other half, his _soulmate_.

He needed him in his life so bad, he felt so wrong and out of place without him.

He just missed him so, so much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i cant believe i FINALLY finished this monster of a chapter ahHHhH its so long i hope you guys can accept this as an apology for how short the last chapter was!!  
> so i'm back from my vacation, it was great! and i hope you all had a fantastic time during the past week as well <333  
> anyway.... i'm aware that the age gaps are not correct but i just didnt want anyone to be a minor soOOoO yeah here we have 18 year old mark and 20 year old taeyong!  
> alright i really hope you enjoyed reading this. mess. and i'll see you (hopefully) soon in the next chapter!!


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: just to avoid confusion; this is written in jaehyun's perspective!!!

Jaehyun woke up on Sunday with his head pounding loudly, his body seemingly weaker and more drained than ever, still able to taste the alcohol and various other tastes he'd rather get rid of on his tongue.

He sat up slowly and blinked a few times in the direction of the curtains mostly blocking the sunlight out of his room, until he felt stable enough to look around some more just so he could realize that he wasn't even in his own room.

Right. He spent the night at Seokmin's place, so it just made sense that he'd wake up in his room, in his bed.

The more he came to his senses, the more he realized how little of last night's events he was actually able to recall. He remembered getting ready with Seokmin, the two of them assisting each other picking out what to wear to the party. He also remembered how at some point Seokmin got a little too affected by watching Jaehyun change, so instead of getting one another dressed they ended up undressing each other, their two bodies melting into one, this being the reason for them showing up a little too late.

He remembered entering Mark's house, giving him his presents, wishing him a happy birthday. He remembered being in the kitchen, where it was way too crowded with young people drinking alcohol for Jaehyun's liking. He remembered how one of those people was Ten and how he was accompanied by - by Taeyong.

And at this thought, it suddenly all hit Jaehyun. His mind crashed with the speed of light, his thoughts exploded with such power he was afraid they had been loud enough to wake Seokmin's neighbors.

In front of his inner eye he could see Taeyong's eyes, _always_ directed into his direction. He saw Taeyong's body clinging closely to Ten's, yet, all the while Taeyong's gaze had been on him. In the kitchen, as Seokmin and him came to greet them, as Taeyong and him created their own universe, their own little bubble, not letting anyone except them participate.

Later, in the living room, as him and Seokmin had been dancing. Jaehyun's thoughts had been far away, neither thinking about Seokmin nor Taeyong, but then the older boy just _had to_ enter the room, he just _had to_ dance with Ten, make out with him right in front of Jaehyun's eyes – still not stopping to stare at him.

Jaehyun knew he couldn't blame Taeyong for anything, considering how he had been staring at Taeyong himself throughout the entire evening.

He had tried so hard not to but it had been impossible, it was still impossible and it would always be impossible for Jaehyun not to stare at Taeyong and he was aware of that more than anyone else.

And then, as if all of this hadn't been terrible enough already, Jaehyun just had to drink so much that he ended up throwing up and crying in the bathroom. He remembered Seokmin rubbing soothing circles on his back, trying to calm him down. He remembered not feeling better no matter what he tried to do for Jaehyun to feel better. He remembered missing Taeyong, needing Taeyong, _asking for Taeyong._

He had been acting so pathetically. Why did the morning after always have to be so embarrassing?

To top it all, Taeyong actually did come to take care of Jaehyun, and Jaehyun actually did feel better. Spending time with Taeyong always made him feel better.

He remembered sitting outside with Taeyong, he remembered all the dumb things he said and _did_ – he had actually tried to kiss Taeyong.

Jaehyun couldn't believe himself, letting his head fall back down on the pillow, burring it under Seokmin's blanket – his soft, comforting blanket that Jaehyun didn't deserve to use right then at all.

He tried shutting his mind off, tried getting a few more hours of sleep, tried avoiding the real life for as long as possible and as he finally felt sleep overtaking him again, unable to keep his eyes opened, he let out a soft sigh and for that short last moment of consciousness Jaehyun didn't feel like he had completely and entirely messed everything up.

-

After waking up to the smell of something sweet a few hours later he found himself, together with Seokmin, sitting in his kitchen. Amazed by the huge effort Seokmin had put into making this amazing hangover-breakfast slash -brunch, he was sipping on his freshly brewed coffee, deciding if he rather wanted pancakes or waffles – because Seokmin really was that person to prepare both. Jaehyun felt more guilty by the second, fully aware that he didn't deserve to taste any of the dishes served for him.

He was munching a chocolate coated strawberry, his face filled with pleasure, as Seokmin began grinning at him, asking whether he was feeling better. Which, of course, Jaehyun was. It was very hard not to feel better being treated like a king. Yet, the guilt was still as present as ever right at the back of his head, holding his happiness back from unfolding completely.

Leaving the last part out, Jaehyun voiced his pleased state out to Seokmin, smiling back at him as brightly as he could.

Afterwards, they fell into a comfortable silence, both of them enjoying the food and drinks – apart from the coffee, Seokmin had even served freshly squeezed orange juice. Through this Jaehyun gained some time with him and his thoughts alone. He thought about Taeyong, about the way he had been dressed last night, about the way his hair had been styled, about the way he smelled. Jaehyun had always known that Taeyong never voluntarily maxes out the potential of his looks. He had also always known that despite that he would always remain the most beautiful person to walk this earth. And especially after yesterday, after seeing _that_ version of Taeyong, a version his mind would've never even dared to imagine, he was sure that he'd never change his mind about Taeyong's beauty.

He knew that he shouldn't be thinking about such things while sitting in Seokmin's, _his somewhat boyfriend's,_ kitchen, eating _his_ food, but he had long accepted that he'd never get his mind to shut up about Taeyong. His insides were burning with guilt and he suddenly didn't feel like he was allowed to eat or drink anything on that table anymore.

So he politely put his cutlery down, telling Seokmin that he was full, thanking him for the great meal, for taking care of him, for _everything_. He noticed a flash of confusion in Seokmin's eyes, which was quickly replaced with something that looked an awful lot like faked happiness.

“It was my pleasure Jae, I'm just glad you're feeling better. You were really worrying me last night, you know,” Seokmin said, the ever-present smile slowly fading from his face.

Jaehyun thought about how much he must have hurt him yesterday and the longer neither of them said anything, the worse he felt.

“I'm so sorry, Seokmin. Honestly, I promise I'll never drink that much again.”

But apparently that wasn't the only thing that had been bothering him. His smile still didn't return, his frown only becoming the slightest bit lighter. He observed him chewing on his bottom lip, deep in thought, causing Jaehyun to worry more and more. Until his partner finally stopped chewing and started speaking, his words knocking the breath out of Jaehyun's lungs, the thoughts out of his head, causing the blood in his vessels to freeze.

“Jae, I have thought about this a lot and I have absolutely no idea how to say what I'm about to say without sounding like a possessive piece of shit but there's something you need to do for me. You know, in order for us to work out.” Seokmin couldn't even look him in the eye while speaking, afraid of Jaehyun's reaction and it would be an understatement to say that Jaehyun was extremely afraid of what was about to come himself.

“I want you to stop spending so much time with Taeyong.”

Jaehyun didn't reply. He _couldn't_ reply. He knew that he wasn't able to stop seeing Taeyong so often, he was his best friend, he needed him in his life, and he knew that he couldn't tell Seokmin that, so he settled on not saying anything at all.

He was shocked, hadn't expected Seokmin to ever say, _demand_ something like this. Seokmin still wasn't able to look at Jaehyun, instead staring at the empty plate in front of him, while Jaehyun stared straight at him, his jaw clenched, his hands straining his thighs.

After a few more beats of _uncomfortable_ silence, the tension became so unbearable that Seokmin finally looked up, but decided on immediately looking down again after seeing the expression on Jaehyun's face.

With his gaze still lowered, he whispered, “I'm not saying that you should stop seeing him entirely. I'm also not trying to make you choose between us,” he sighed, and once more looked up into Jaehyun's eyes, this time not backing down, “Jaehyun, please you have to understand that I feel like you're gonna leave me whenever I see how well the two of you work out together.”

Jaehyun didn't understand. He didn't understand at all. But it wasn't like he couldn't try to understand what Seokmin was going through, especially now that he had explicitly, sincerely mentioned it.

Thinking about it, him and Taeyong really did make a great team. He was his best friend, his other half, the one person that had always been there for him, that he knew would always stay by his side, no matter what. Him and Taeyong had always been close, had always been a perfect match, it felt weird throwing all that away.

That was probably exactly why Seokmin felt the way he felt. Because Jaehyun and Taeyong were like one single soul shared by two bodies. Because they had been through so much together, because Jaehyun thought of Taeyong as someone so special he'd never want to lose, no matter what.

In that moment, he realized that he didn't feel that way about Seokmin. Of course, the latter meant a lot to him, was his significant other, his partner. Jaehyun would never deny that he had feelings for him, but then again, it was so hard for him to deny that he had feelings for Taeyong as well. Other feelings, deeper feelings, _wrong_ feelings.

By now he understood Seokmin's words, understood why he was feeling like that, why he didn't want Jaehyun to be with Taeyong as much anymore. Jaehyun was so much more to Seokmin that Seokmin was to Jaehyun. And Seokmin didn't want to risk losing him.

Jaehyun's head hurt from all the thinking. He felt terrible, and he definitely couldn't talk or think about this anymore right then. He knew that he didn't deserve either Seokmin or Taeyong, yet he was selfish enough to want to keep both of them. He had to figure out a way to solve this situation, but now was not the time. He felt like a train wreck, not capable to function anymore.

So he just told Seokmin that he couldn't make a decision right now and that he'd have to talk to Taeyong and that he was sorry.

Of course, Seokmin was disappointed. He had every right to, but since he was the most understanding, nicest person Jaehyun had ever met, he told him that it was okay and that he'd wait for him.

-

On his way back to the dorms, Jaehyun briefly considered dropping by at Taeyong's room but quickly decided against it. Neither did he know if he was home or at Ten's place nor did he think that he had any rights to just show up and demand talking to Taeyong after all the stuff he had done the prior night.

-

On Monday morning, Jaehyun woke up in his own bed, in his dorm, without Seokmin. It would have been a lie to say that he didn't miss him, didn't feel weird knowing how they had parted on Sunday, but he honestly didn't feel as terrible as he had expected.

He walked past his roommate, Doyoung, as quietly as possible, envious of him since he had been intelligent enough to not take any morning classes on Mondays. Jaehyun seriously didn't know why he had ever felt the need to take these classes. Every Monday morning when he woke up, he regretted most of his life choices, and especially this one.

After washing up and getting dressed, he slung his bag over one shoulder and plugged his earphones in, despite it being a rather short walk. Jaehyun never went anywhere without his earphones. Taeyong once heard Doyoung calling them an “additional part of Jaehyun's body” and that had made him laugh so heart – Jaehyun would never forget that clear, wonderful sound – that from then on he always teased Jaehyun, asking about his additional body part and other limbs he might have kept a secret from him.

Jaehyun smiled to himself at the memory, for a moment forgetting about all the problems he'd have to face soon.

He was one of the first ones to enter the lecture room, leaving him some more time to focus on himself since he had been pretty early. Right as he sat down on a chair in one of the last rows, a song started playing that immediately caught Jaehyun's attention.

It was _their_ song. As cheesy as it might sound, yes, Taeyong and him had their own song like couples do.

-

It wasn't like this song had been playing when they first met or when they first hugged or something along the lines. When they had met the song had been released only a few days ago, barely known by anyone. However, both of them had been part of the tiny group of people knowing the artist. Through that artist they started talking more and more, eventually going to one of his concerts together. The venue had been small, the crowd had been like a family, Jaehyun and Taeyong had been among them, feeling homey, like they belonged there. Back then, especially for Taeyong it had been a very rare occurrence to fit in anywhere, so they both enjoyed those few hours to the fullest, taking in, memorizing every single second.

After the concert they had went to a small bakery that had still been open, despite it being late at night already. They had been talking about the concert, about society, about the concept of adjusting yourself in a way that you'd be able to fit in. Jaehyun could clearly remember what Taeyong had told him back then.

“People often tell me I'm pretty. I'm, uh, not saying this because I think so myself, actually I really, really disagree and I feel weird talking about myself like this but. I feel like you're different. Once the people that compliment my looks get to know my personality, they usually leave me but you're still with me, even though you know how.. how complicated I am. Thank you, Jae. For, um, accepting me the way I am.”

And right as Taeyong had finished speaking, _that_ song started playing through the bakery's speakers. Both of them had been taking off guard, had been staring into each other's eyes, had began laughing so hard the bakery owner actually asked them to keep it down.

This had been the first time Jaehyun had taken Taeyong's hands into his own, had softly brushed his thumb over his knuckles and had sincerely told him how beautiful he was, both on the outside and the inside, and that he should never let anyone tell him otherwise, that he should never change.

Perhaps, it had been the first time Jaehyun's heart had been beating a little faster than usual, the first time he had found himself lost in someone's eyes, in someone's mere presence.

That night they had decided to make this song _theirs_ and Jaehyun was so thankful for everything it had caused to happen afterwards, was so thankful for Taeyong becoming a part of his life. The most important part of his life.

-

As the song ended, Jaehyun began focusing on reality again, unplugging his earphones since the room had been way fuller by now. In that exact moment Jaehyun realized that he wouldn't be able to concentrate on this lesson, or actually any of his lessons today, at all. There was just so much going on in his head. He couldn't bring himself to care about any form of theoretical art, which he usually found so interesting. It was quite sad, definitely a wasted day, but it wasn't like Jaehyun could change it on his own. Yeah, he definitely had to talk to both Taeyong and Seokmin and sort everything out if he didn't want to completely fail this semester.

As per usual the professor started her lecture, and Jaehyun did his best trying to listen to and take notes of what she was talking about, however, halfway through the lesson he gave up.

Instead of listening – and even pretending to listen – he settled on sketching whatever had been on his mind right then. He wasn't actually thinking about anything or anyone in particular, trying to avoid all sorts of thoughts that would just cause his head to explode sooner rather than later. So he just let his hand guide him, let the lines on the paper melt together, become one big portrayal of something real, something that mattered.

It took him a while to realize that the lesson had ended, that only a handful of people were still in the lecture hall talking to each other about something not related to the content of the class. Jaehyun had finished his painting a while ago actually, and ever since he had been frowning at it. Frowning at the sharp lines defining the jaw and cheekbones of the face his hand had decided to paint, at the slender yet soft lips, at the prominent nose, at the strong eyebrows. But most importantly, his frown had been directed at the big, dark eyes that just didn't seem right.

Jaehyun had drawn that specific face with those specific features so many times before and he'd never been satisfied, neither right now nor at any point in the past. Sometimes it had been small details that just couldn't satisfy him, sometimes the overall feeling of the drawing just didn't seem to be right.

He sighed, somewhat coming to terms with the fact that his outcomes would never be able to meet the standards of that wonderful, inhuman beauty, that his skills would never be enough.

He blinked at the sketch a few more times, then folded it in half and put it in his backpack, shaking his head. He really hadn't planned on painting _Taeyong_ out of all people. Hell, he hadn't even planned on painting anyone or anything at all, yet here he was, painting the most important person in his life instead of paying attention to one of the most important classes of his major.

He didn't know what to think of himself, didn't know what to do anymore. Jaehyun was lost. So, so lost. He didn't even dare to think about a way of finding his right path again, fully aware that this chain of thought would eventually lead to Taeyong and he couldn't deal with anymore Taeyong related thoughts.

The lecture hall was completely empty, apart from him of course, by now. Checking the time on his phone and realizing that it had been 15 minutes already since the lesson had ended, Jaehyun plugged his earphones back in and finally left the room as well. On his way back to his room he made sure that _this one artist_ wouldn't be played and he silently thanked God for the few free hours he had ahead of him now.

-

The next time he saw Taeyong was after his afternoon classes that Monday ended. It was the perfect moment to approach him since he knew his schedule just as well as his own and, thus, knew that Taeyong as well as him was done with his classes for the day.

Taeyong was sitting on the lawn of their campus, leaning against the trunk of a tree. The sun was shedding all its light on Taeyong's face, complimenting his features, the shadows edging his face making his bone structure appear even sharper than it usually would. The sun could consider itself lucky that Taeyong's eyes were closed, otherwise it would have to face a pair of extremely strong competitors, contesting for the spot as one shining the brightest.

Jaehyun smiled to himself seeing Taeyong like that. He looked so peaceful, so content with everything, not letting anything bother him. Jaehyun actually felt a little bad being the one to destroy that peaceful state of Taeyong's being but he had his reasons. His very important, very urgent reasons.

He took his sweet time walking towards the older boy, taking as much time as possible admiring his features, taking them in, hoping to be able to portray them in a way they deserved to be portrayed someday.

“Hey you,” Jaehyun settled down on the ground next to Taeyong, trying not to be too affected by the way Taeyong's eyes lit up in sheer happiness, spotting Jaehyun after opening them. Smiling back at him, too happy to explain it in words that Taeyong didn't reject him, Jaehyun noticed his heart becoming lighter by the second.

“Hey Jae, how are you? I'm so sorry I didn't call or text to check on you yesterday. It was just one of these 'Taeyong isn't able to socialize' kind of days, you know?” Taeyong sighed, sounding truly apologetic. But there was no reason for him to apologize for anything. Taeyong had those days a lot, Jaehyun knew that and Jaehyun was okay with that. It was part of Taeyong's wonderful personality that he wouldn't want to lose for anything in the world.

“Don't apologize Tae, you know there's no need to,” Jaehyun smiled, as reassuring as humanly possible. He wanted to reach out and hold Taeyong's hand, stroke his shoulder, his arm, his thigh – he didn't even care, he just wanted to _touch_ Taeyong because he knew that this was the easiest way to convince him and his strange mind that everything was fine. But at the last moment he decided against it, despite Taeyong smiling at him and everything seemingly being normal, Jaehyun wasn't sure where exactly they stood and which boundaries he was allowed to overstep.

Jaehyun was glad to see Taeyong's smile not faltering, staying as bright and steady as during the moment Taeyong had opened his eyes.

“I'm way better now. Shouldn't have drunk that much,” they both chuckled and hearing Taeyong's laugh actually made Jaehyun's heart feel even lighter, made him realize that he didn't destroy anything with the way he behaved the night before. He honestly didn't deserve Taeyong at all, he was just too nice, too pure, too genuine.

“Listen, do you have time right now? I need to talk to you about something, it's really important so we shouldn't do this if you don't have time.”

This time Taeyong's smile actually did leave his lips, him probably remembering the last time Jaehyun approached him, having to talk to him about something. Jaehyun hated seeing him like this, hated being the reason for him to stop smiling, hated that he didn't have a _choice_.

He watched Taeyong scratch his ear, press his lips together. “I have time actually, but please promise me that this is something _good_ -important?”

A sad, bitter smile embraced Jaehyun's face, clearly aware that he wasn't able to make that promise. He felt so disappointed in himself.

Noticing Jaehyun's expression Taeyong understood the situation, understood that nothing positive was about to come out of Jaehyun's mouth. “Okay nevermind, you don't have to promise that,” he sighed, obviously not very eager to have this conversation, “Just tell me what's going on.”

Taeyong would never reject Jaehyun, no matter how stupid the problems were that Jaehyun would bring with himself every now and then. He didn't deserve Taeyong and he knew that better than anyone else.

Jaehyun had never been that reluctant to address a topic. He was so afraid that he'd end up losing Taeyong. Or Seokmin. Or both. He knew that he was definitely capable of doing so.

“Alright, uh, you see I had a talk with Seokmin the other day,” he barely stuttered out, his thoughts too messy to form coherent sentences, his mind too overwhelmed with the fear of potentially losing someone so important. After Jaehyun cleared his throat, trying to play out some more time, he continued, “he asked me to do something. Or actually, not to do something anymore. He asked me to, uh, spend less time with you.”

Taeyong closed his eyes again, his lips pressed into a tight line. Jaehyun could basically hear his heart breaking a little, his assumption being confirmed as Taeyong sighed bitterly, digging his fingers into the dirt they were sitting on. Jaehyun's own heart was so far from being fine itself right now.

“So, what did you say?” he asked, his eyes still closed, a smile on his face nowhere to be seen.

“I told him that I'd have to think about it. That I'd have to talk to you about it, which I'm doing right now. Obviously.” Jaehyun let out an awkward chuckle, completely aware that it had never been more inappropriate. Still, he didn't know what to do, he had never been in such a situation before.

He became more nervous with every second that passed of Taeyong not replying. Jaehyun's eyes were glued to Taeyong's face, afraid that this would be the last time he'd be able to take in his features, his beautiful, ethereal, _unreal_ features.

Since his eyes just wouldn't leave Taeyong, he didn't miss the one single tear that streamed down his cheek after some more moments. Intuitively, Jaehyun reached out to wipe that tear away, not able to bear seeing him like this. In contrast to what Jaehyun had expected, Taeyong actually didn't flinch away. He didn't move at all, giving Jaehyun the confidence to let his hand rest on his face for a few more seconds. Yet, it didn't change the fact that Taeyong still wasn't replying.

“I'm so sorry Tae, I really don't want to lose you. You're so important to me,” Jaehyun whispered, feeling his own eyes filling with tears. He didn't want to cry right now. He didn't want to seem weak, especially not in front of Taeyong. He needed to be his pillar, his source of strength. He needed to be here for his best friend and make sure nothing would ever happen to him, nothing would ever hurt him.

Thinking about their current situation, he realized how greatly he had failed. He was the one hurting Taeyong all along. He would never be able to forgive himself for this.

“Jae, do you wanna go on a walk with me? It's getting too hot here, I need to air my thoughts, so we can talk about this. But I don't wanna be alone. Please?” Taeyong sounded so small, looked so small, placing his own hand on Jaehyun's, looking for comfort.

Jaehyun could _never_ – _not in a million years_ – reject Taeyong. So he breathed out a faint, “always,” and they both raised from the ground, started to head in some random direction.

The majority of their walk proceeded in silence. It was neither exceptionally comfortable nor uncomfortable, it was just quiet, natural. These kind of walks suited Taeyong so well.

Jaehyun tried to enjoy their surroundings and focus on them, since their university was really built in a nice neighborhood. It was still very artless and pristine, the perfect place to take walks, to get your mind off things you'd like to forget, to enjoy the simple things in life. Basically everything Jaehyun needed right then but with Taeyong walking next to him it was simply impossible for him not to focus on the other boy.

His mind couldn't decide whether to focus on how much Jaehyun wanted to hold Taeyong's hand or on how much he wasn't allowed to do so. He had just told Taeyong that they'd have to spend less time with each other, it would be nothing but cruel to ask for any form of bodily contact right now.

Jaehyun wanted all their problems to fade, wanted their relationship to be simple again – actually, had it ever been simple? - but he didn't want to push Taeyong. He wanted to give him all the time and space he could ask for, thus, forcing himself to stay quiet and wait for Taeyong to speak up first.

Which he luckily did after a few more minutes of walking.

“Do _you_ want to spend less time with me?”

“Of course not. What I want is for everything to stay the same, but honestly I get why Seokmin wants us to see each other less often,” it physically hurt Jaehyun to speak those words, the realization of how messed up his entire life was hitting him with full force, “it shouldn't be like this, right?”

Taeyong put his hands in his pockets, humming in agreement, “it shouldn't, no.” Taeyong stayed silent after that for a while, observing the nature surrounding them. Jaehyun could sense that he was thinking and about to voice his thoughts, so he decided on staying silent again, waiting for Taeyong to talk.

“Can we at least keep seeing each other on Fridays?”

Fridays. Of course. Friday afternoons were _theirs_. Jaehyun really, really didn't want to lose that, he enjoyed doing whatever they came up with on those Friday afternoons way too much. He was looking forward to the coming Friday in particular, since he had already planned something he wanted to do with Taeyong.

He couldn't just let this happen, couldn't just let Taeyong being taken away from him. Seokmin's words were playing again inside his head - _“I'm not saying that you should stop seeing him entirely. I'm also not trying to make you choose between us”_ \- He wasn't trying to make Jaehyun choose between them is what he said. Yet, this was exactly what he was doing by telling him to spend less time with Taeyong. His best friend, that had been there for him so much longer than Seokmin had.

Jaehyun wasn't saying that he didn't appreciate Seokmin, he had done tons of things for him and he had been there for him countless times after all, but still he couldn't get rid of the feeling that Seokmin was trying to separate him and Taeyong entirely. Taeyong would never try to do such thing, Jaehyun was as sure of that as he was sure of art being the biggest passion he'd ever find in his life.

“I hope so. I really do. We're definitely meeting up this Friday, no matter what, I have plans,” Jaehyun smirked, thinking about how great their meeting would be, earning himself a questioning, yet curious look from Taeyong.

“Actually, I don't care what Seokmin will say about Fridays. We won't let our tradition die,” Jaehyun paused, smiling at the sight of Taeyong's face beaming brightly, honestly, sincerely, “they're ours and they'll always be.”

As Jaehyun finished speaking, he suddenly felt a weight on him – Taeyong had thrown himself at him, had swung his arms around Jaehyun's torso, had nuzzled his nose in the crook of Jaehyun's neck. Jaehyun could feel Taeyong's breath on his skin, could smell the mixture of apples coming from his shampoo and basil coming from his body wash. He could feel Taeyong's hands grabbing his jacket, pressing his own body so closely to Jaehyun's that the latter was able to feel his heartbeat.

It took Jaehyun a few moments to comprehend what was happening but after he finally understood, he felt a huge rush of happiness and comfort washing over him. He smiled into Taeyong's hair, slung his own arms around Taeyong's body and just savored this precious moment.

Who knew for how long he'd get to keep holding Taeyong like this?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow okay i had actually planned for this chapter to be longer but with easter break being over and all i just couldnt find much time to write this i'm so sorry ;---(  
> i hope i didnt keep you guys waiting for too long and you enjoyed reading this chapter! btw the next chapter will probably be in jaehyun's pov again!  
> thank you guys so much for reading (and thank you for 1000 hits OH MY GOD i actually screamed when i saw this number!!!)
> 
> ((anyway!!! got7 tickets for berlin will go on sale tomorrow, please wish me luck that my friends and me will get some aaah!!!))


	5. Five

The art room of their university was beautiful. In Jaehyun's opinion, the most beautiful room of the entire building even.

He loved how the usually so plain white walls were covered in all sorts of paintings, how even the cupboards and tables and chairs had their own look, their own decoration. You could find colors in every corner of this room, making everything feel so alive and vivid. Jaehyun loved spending his time in here. It was his safe place, his own little stash. It felt even more homey to him than his own dorm.

The only problem with that room was that Jaehyun wasn't the only art major at this university and, thus, not the only student who admired and appreciated art in all its forms. Moreover, their university wasn't small at all and, naturally, the room being empty was as rare as Jaehyun being in a chemistry laboratory - it happened _never_ _._

Luckily, Jaehyun was on really good terms with the chief of the art quarter and he had been able to pull some strings, so Jaehyun could rent the room for a few hours. He had been planning this for months and now that it was finally happening, all kinds of fears and anxieties overcame him. What if he wouldn't be able to finish on time? What if during the few hours he had he would go through a drought of inspiration? _What if Taeyong wouldn't like his idea and leave him alone?_

Jaehyun tried to dismiss all these negative thoughts, realizing that he had started chewing on his nails, a terrible habit he had picked up from Taeyong whenever he became nervous.

This just had to work. It was so important to Jaehyun and he knew that whatever was important to him was important to Taeyong as well, so there was no reason to worry. They both wanted to spend time with each other, they both wanted for one another to be happy and, most importantly, they usually never cared about _what_ they were doing, as long as they were _together._ Besides, with Taeyong, with his muse in the room Jaehyun could never lack inspiration. Every time he saw Taeyong's face, this huge need to paint overcame him and it wouldn't leave until Taeyong left him, mostly not even then.

In terms of art as well as in countless other terms Taeyong was Jaehyun's everything. He had never really thought about it but Taeyong was a part of almost every aspect of Jaehyun's life. He had been there for so many chapters already and Jaehyun's biggest hope was that Taeyong would accompany him through many more chapters, many more adventurers until one day, they'd both be too old to conquer the world. Then, they would just sit together, in a beautiful small garden, the prettiest of flowers surrounding them. They would be drinking tea or whatever kind of drink would be popular among elderly people in the future and talking about all the things they've been through together.

Such thoughts always managed to make Jaehyun smile, all the nail chewing long forgotten. All his senses were driven by happiness and he couldn't wait for those simple, peaceful times to come.

-

Jaehyun wanted this to be perfect. Actually, he _needed_ this to be perfect. After ditching Taeyong the last time they were supposed to meet – which, by the way, had felt terribly wrong and Jaehyun never wanted to do it again – he couldn't disappoint him ever again. Especially not this time.

Yesterday evening, he had texted Taeyong the time to make sure that he would be free since they really didn't get that much time reserved for them to spend in the art room all by themselves.

 

**Jaehyun [10:23 PM]**

hey tae!!

soo u know tomorrow's friday and i have big plans

are u free at 4pm?

**Taeyong [10:26 PM]**

sure, that's perfect :)

**Jaehyun [10:27 PM]**

great, i'll pick u up then!

**Taeyong [10:29 PM]**

great!

but you're still not telling me what we're gonna do, huh?

**Jaehyun [10:29 PM]**

you just know me too well ;-))

i'll see u tomorrow, sleep well!!

**Taeyong [10:33 PM]**

you too, jae

 

Jaehyun was honestly proud of himself for keeping the destination as well as his actual plans a secret for so long. Usually, he wasn't good at keeping such information a secret, he'd always be way too excited to share the news with everyone he knows. Accordingly, only a handful of people ever shared their secrets with him. It wasn't like he was happy to be such a chatterbox and it also wasn't like he did any of this on purpose, but he couldn't blame anyone not wanting to talk about certain topics with him.

These circumstances only made him cherish the little secrets that had been shared with him so far even more.

Honestly, he valued the secrets Taeyong had shared with him the most. Not once had Jaehyun talked about one of Taeyong's secrets to anyone else, neither by accident nor on purpose. He knew better than anyone, better than Taeyong himself how fragile and sensitive the young adult was and he could never risk making him even more vulnerable.

-

The next day went by quite fast. Jaehyun barely registered anything that happened in his classes, barely memorized any conversations he had held with a few different people, his mind preoccupied with the few things he had yet to prepare.

Some of the preparations were easier than others. For example, texting Taeyong that he should wear a white shirt wasn't hard at all. He had that done in a few seconds and was happy to see him replying only a few moments later with a simple “alright :)”.

However, Jaehyun wasn't quite sure yet how to arrange the art room prior to his reserved time without disturbing anyone that might be currently working in there. He also wasn't sure yet how to cool the wine and the treats he wanted to share with Taeyong after they were done in the art room.

But he would figure all this out. He was sure of it. He did this with Taeyong, _for Taeyong,_ and that was motivational enough for Jaehyun to give his best and work the hardest he could to make their time spent together just perfect.

After his last lecture ended, he decided to go to the grocery store and get the things he needed, including a cooler to solve one of his problems. On his way he gave Seokmin a call, thinking about their conversations after he had talked about their situation with Taeyong on Monday.

-

“I'm sorry, Seokmin. I totally understand why you're asking me to do this but I just _can't,”_ Jaehyun had sighed, sharing a table in a nice restaurant on Tuesday evening with Seokmin, “Please, at least try to understand me as well?”

It had been one of the most painful conversations of his entire life. He couldn't give Seokmin, his significant other, what he needed. He had been such a disappointment.

Studying Seokmin's face, Jaehyun had noticed every single indicator for his negative state of mind. His lips had been drawn into a thin line, his jaw had been clenched, his nostrils had been widened. The expression on his face had been stone-cold, and not even his eyes were shining anymore.

Seokmin hadn't been sad. His eyes hadn't been filled with tears or any other form of sadness, they had simply been _empty_. And it had been Jaehyun's fault.

As Jaehyun had tried to place his hand on Seokmin's, the other boy had withdrawn his hands from the table and fixed his gaze on Jaehyun's eyes. It had been a little intimidating, a little shocking, but mostly saddening.

“So, you're gonna keep seeing him? That's your final decision?”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun had nodded, trying to stay calm, not wanting to make any kind of scene in the fancy restaurant. He knew that he had been a disappointment in Seokmin's eyes, but if he was honest with himself now, Seokmin was a disappointment in his eyes as well. Jaehyun couldn't believe how controlling and possessive he had been acting.

Everyone that had ever heard of either Jaehyun's or Taeyong's name knew how inseparable they were. How much history they shared, how colligated their stories were. Everyone knew that if you wanted one, you'd immediately get both, so it was truly hard to understand for Jaehyun how Seokmin could be so against Taeyong all of the sudden.

Jaehyun had kept on observing Seokmin's expressions throughout their dinner. His face had been empty, it had been sad, it had been angered. He had always been deep in thought, barely speaking. The evening had been a disaster.

“I'm gonna be honest with you,” Seokmin suddenly spoke as their desert had been served, “I know Taeyong's not a bad guy and I also know that I am acting like one right now. I just don't know how much sense this relationship is making anymore, you know?” He had taken a bite of his chocolate cake, looking at Jaehyun expectantly.

“Not really, to be honest. What are you trying to say?” Jaehyun had asked, frowning, completely ignoring the pie in front of him. This situation had been too much for him, Seokmin's words had been too confusing and everything that had been happening lately had been too complicated.

“I'm saying that we never even called us each other's boyfriends. We never said 'I love you' to each other. It's been so long and our relationship is still so undeveloped. And then there's you spending so much time with another guy instead of me. Do you even want this relationship to progress, Jaehyun?”

Seokmin's eyes had been _so cold._ His words even colder.

“Do I – What? Hold on, of course I want this relationship to progress! But, if you want to do this with me then you have to get used to my pace,” Jaehyun had furrowed his brow, still in disbelief about what he had been just accused of, “I know I'm really slow with all this, but it's not like I can change it?”

To this, Seokmin had raised his eyebrow, “Yeah? Is that so? Why was getting close to Taeyong such an easy and fast process for you then?”

“Why was – What? Seokmin, stop, you can't be serious about this right now. You know exactly how long Tae and I have known each other and that it was everything but an easy and fast process. I can't believe you're saying this, it's like I don't even know you!” Jaehyun had risen his voice by now, earning him a few looks from other people eating in the restaurant, but he couldn't care less about any manners right then. He had been angry, he had been mad, he had been disappointed. What Seokmin had just said had been so unbelievable, so wrong, so _disgusting._ Jaehyun had never wanted to be anywhere else that much in his entire life before.

“Well, maybe you _don't_ know me,” Seokmin had spoken in a tone as calm as ever and it had angered Jaehyun even more, “I think that the only person you really know is _Tae_ and he's also the only person who really knows you. Maybe you should start dating him. Don't think I don't notice the way you two are looking at each other all the time.”

If Jaehyun had been angry before, then he had been furious after this statement. The way Seokmin had almost _spit out_ the word “Tae” had made Jaehyun feel sick. All the thoughts about him being the disappointing one in this arrangement had vanished completely.

“Seokmin, _stop._ I'm not having this conversation with you here and now. Call me once you come back to your senses or don't, I don't really care,” Jaehyun had taken out his wallet while speaking, throwing a 50 Dollar bill on the table to pay his part of the check, “have a good night.”

And with that, he had been outside, taking in the fresh, mild air escorting those late summer nights he usually enjoyed so much.

Not even a whole 24 hours later, as Jaehyun had been sitting in his dorm, working on an assignment, he had received a text from Seokmin.

 

**Seokmin [03:57 PM]**

jae we need to talk

i have no excuses for what i did yesterday

i know it was wrong

please meet me in that coffee shop down the road in like 10 minutes

**Jaehyun [03:59 PM]**

fine, i'll be there

 

Jaehyun had let out a shaky breath, not knowing what to expect from that meeting. He had stuffed his phone and wallet in the pockets of his pants and bid goodbye to Doyoung who had been reading some essays for his classes as well.

Walking down the road to the coffee shop, a billion thoughts had been entering and leaving his head. He had definitely still been mad, disappointed, shocked. This had been his first time experiencing Seokmin acting in such a way and he couldn't come up with any reasons to explain his behavior. He had only hoped for him to apologize sincerely and never do anything like this ever again.

After his arrival, Jaehyun had quickly spotted Seokmin sitting at a table on the side, two grand coffees on the table waiting to be consumed – most likely by Seokmin and Jaehyun.

“Hey, thanks for meeting me. Please sit,” Seokmin had greeted him, gesturing to the empty chair next to him.

So Jaehyun had sat down, asking “this for me?”, while pointing at one of the cups on the table.

Seokmin had nodded, taking a sip from his own coffee as Jaehyun had started drinking his after thanking Seokmin for getting it for him.

Sitting there with Seokmin, waiting for an uncomfortable topic to be addressed had felt so awfully nostalgic. Jaehyun couldn't help but think back to him telling Taeyong about Seokmin and him right here, only a couple of days ago. It hadn't been a good feeling then, hadn't been one now either.

Seokmin had placed both his hands around his mug, seemingly seeking for a supporting crutch and then he had begun speaking, begun explaining, begun apologizing.

Jaehyun could sense how truly sorry he had felt, how earnest his apologies had been. He could sense every bit of discomfort Seokmin had exuded while talking about the bad result he had gotten that day, about the argument he had had that day with one of his closest friends, about the big fight he had to witness said close friend and his girlfriend having that day.

“I had the worst day ever. I know this doesn't excuse my behavior at all but. Everything just seems to be falling apart, Jae. I – I don't know what's gotten into me yesterday but I'm just afraid that we'll fall apart, too. I'm so deeply sorry and I know that I probably only drifted us further apart with the way I acted up. I feel terrible.”

Jaehyun had never been the type to be resentful. Especially not when it came to people that meant so, so much to him. Accordingly, he had spread a small smile on his lips, only the slightest bit hopeful but reassuring enough.

Seokmin's eyes had been glued to his own and upon Jaehyun still not having said anything, his gaze had started shifting nervously.

“Can you please forgive me?”

After remaining silent for a couple more moments Jaehyun had finally replied, “Yeah. Yeah, I can forgive you. You had a bad day, your emotions were all over the place. It's okay, I get it.”

Jaehyun's words had made Seokmin smile. His smile not even nearly as bright as it would be under any other circumstances, but it had been enough. It had been okay. They had been okay.

“I promise you that I like Taeyong. And that I'm totally okay with you guys spending time with each other. I, um, like you way too much to lose you. Over something as simple as this,” he had spoke, barely whispering the last part, his face flushed with nervousness and worry.

“You're so cute,” Jaehyun had chuckled lowly. He had wanted to tell Seokmin that he liked him a lot as well and that he really didn't want to lose him either but he had been unable to bring himself to let those words spill over his lips. The mere thought of voicing such feelings dedicated to someone that wasn't Taeyong had still felt too new and weird.

Luckily, Jaehyun's reaction had seemingly been good enough for Seokmin since the latter had smiled a bit brighter in return, asking if it was okay for him to kiss Jaehyun.

That, again, had made Jaehyun chuckle and shake his head lightly, perplexed that Seokmin would even still ask at this point. He had slowly moved in and pressed their lips together in a shy, feathery manner.

-

“Hello?” Seokmin picked up the phone, breaking into Jaehyun's thoughts. He sounded slightly out of breath.

“Hey, it's me. Is this a bad time or something?”

“Jaehyun, hi! I'm kinda running late for a class, I'm sorry. Is this important?”

“Oh, uh, no, it's nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going out with a friend this afternoon so I won't be answering my phone or anything. Just wanted to let you know.”

“All right, have a good time! Text me when you get home, I gotta hang up now, see you Jae!”

Now, that was easier than Jaehyun had initially expected. Although the Taeyong-topic had been officially resolved, Jaehyun knew that it was still a sensitive topic and he didn't want to risk anything, so, telling Seokmin that he'd be going out with a friend was probably the best wording. In the end, it wasn't even a lie and this way nobody would get hurt.

However, what made Jaehyun slightly worry was the fact that he didn't even feel bad about not telling Seokmin the whole truth. Relationships should be based on honesty, right? He should feel bad about this if he wanted for this arrangement to continue existing.

_Do you even want this relationship to progress? Of course I want this relationship to progress!_

Seokmin's question, followed by his own answer kept ringing in his ears. It had been an instinct to answer like this, it had been the first thought that came to his head, most likely to resolve the tension. If Jaehyun truly meant what he had told Seokmin straight in his face, Jaehyun wasn't so sure.

Upon arrival at the grocery store, Jaehyun cut out all those thoughts, focusing all his attention on his shopping list – red wine, strawberries, grapes, chocolate, _a cooler._

Putting the items of his desire into the shopping cart, he tried not to think about how both Taeyong and him favored red wine over white wine, while Seokmin only drank white wine and despised the red one.

-

After solving one of his two problems, he decided to just go to the art room roughly 30 minutes earlier and hope for it to be empty so he could arrange everything the way he wanted it. This schedule still left him with about an hour of free time before he had to get going.

He went back to his dorm where he planned on spending said hour watching some show on his laptop. However, his plans were canceled by Doyoung who had apparently been waiting for him because they needed to talk.

He asked Jaehyun to sit down because 'it's pretty important Jae, and we need to talk about this very urgently.' So Jaehyun sat sown, worried to the bone, asking Doyoung what this was all about.

“You know I'm Seokmin's best friend,” was everything Doyoung had to say for Jaehyun to understand where this conversation was headed, causing him to clench his teeth as hard as he possibly could.

“I see you know where I'm going with this,” Doyoung sighed, avoiding any sorts of eye contact with Jaehyun. “Logically, we talk about things. He tells me things. Things about you, your relationship, your problems-”

“We don't have any problems,” Jaehyun interrupted him, fully aware that they had _tons_ of problems. He just wasn't in the mood to talk about this, especially not so shortly before Taeyong's and his Friday afternoon was about to begin.

“Here's the thing, man. I really think you do. Let me tell you something,” Doyoung spoke monotonically, placing a pillow on his lap to have something he could keep his hands busy with, “Before it got out that you and Seokmin were a thing, everyone, and I mean _everyone_ was convinced that you and Taeyong would end up together, even Seokmin himself thought so. The way you acted around Taeyong has always been so loving and careful and when you guys were together it was always, I don't know, different? I can't explain it, but the atmosphere has always changed. In a good way, though,” he took a short break of speaking to look up at Jaehyun, expecting any kind of reaction, but the latter was just sitting there as he had been told, staring right through Doyoung.

Doyoung inhaled sharply and, again, adjusted his gaze away from Jaehyun, continuing to talk, “The way you treat Taeyong hasn't changed ever since you and Seokmin got together. Before you two made out at Mark's party and accidentally made it public, nobody even considered thinking of you guys as a thing. Everyone was still waiting for you and Taeyong to make it public, but that never happened.”

Jaehyun was confused. Honestly, he never even realized anything of the points Doyoung had just made. He didn't know about anyone expecting Taeyong and him to be couple and he always thought that the way he treated Taeyong didn't imply anything but him taking care of his best friend. He had always known that Taeyong was a very important and very special person in his life but he has always been oblivious to the possibility of them being thought of as a couple.

It would be a lie to say that Jaehyun had never thought about Taeyong and him dating, about the soft touch of his lips, about his own arms securely wrapped around Taeyong's smaller frame, holding him until he would doze off. He had thought about these things. A lot. But they had always seemed so unreachable, so incredibly far away, not meant to turn into reality. A dream, a hallucination, a simple thought and nothing more.

The way Taeyong and him treated each other was nothing but friendly. They never acted like a couple.

Or did they and Jaehyun's sight was simply too hazy to ever realize it?

“I'm not sure I get what you're saying,” a worried expression accompanied Jaehyun's words, accompanied the confusion in his voice.

“I'm saying that you and Taeyong are extremely close. Have always been, will probably always be. There's nothing wrong with that but, Jae, you shouldn't be going out with Seokmin when you have feelings for somebody else.”

Feelings for somebody else. Feelings for Taeyong. Well, of course Jaehyun had feelings for Taeyong, he was his closest friend and they've been through so much together, after all.

“Feelings, as in the 'I love you'-kind of way?”

Doyoung nodded in response, sighing once more. “Look, I'm just saying that both you and Seokmin are really important to me and that you both deserve the best. So if you can't give Seokmin that, you should probably ask yourself if this relationship even has a point anymore.”

_Do you even want this relationship to progress? Of course I want this relationship to progress!_

Jaehyun has never been confronted about the significance of his relationship that many times in such a short span of time before. Perhaps it really was about time for him to seriously think about where Seokmin and him stood, and also were Taeyong and him stood. Right now, he was torn apart, too overwhelmed to form any clear thoughts.

“I'll think about it but. Please don't tell Seokmin about any of this, I'm gonna talk to him myself, alright?”

Doyoung nodded once again and Jaehyun decided to spend the time he had still left by then on the roof instead of that small, stuffy room. He needed some fresh air to clear his thoughts and hopefully make up his mind. He didn't want to be thinking about this later. He wanted for his mind to be filled with positive, nice thoughts so he could have a good time with Taeyong and make up for canceling _their_ Friday afternoon last time.

-

Jaehyun actually managed to rearrange the art studio shortly before he had actually reserved it. Luckily, most people their age didn't spend their Fridays on campus after finishing all their lectures, so he found the room empty and ready to be taken over by Taeyong and him.

He put all the goods he had bought before in the cooler, made sure that he had packed everything else he needed and then finally headed towards Taeyong's dorm.

Taeyong's dorm section luckily wasn't far away from Jaehyun's own. The short distance has made so many spontaneous sleep overs or simple meet ups, no matter what time it was, possible. Jaehyun smiled on his way over, having pushed out all the negative thoughts about his relationship, rather thinking about those many happy times Taeyong and him had shared over the time.

He decided that he wouldn't think about those troubles at all as long as him and Taeyong would be together that day.

As he reached his designated destination, he knocked on the door. A few moments later said door was opened by Taeyong himself, who greeted him with a warm smile and a small, shallow hug.

“I see you're wearing a white shirt. I'm glad,” Jaehyun grinned proudly as they began walking next to each other.

“Of course I am, you told me to do so,” Taeyong chuckled, lightly punching Jaehyun's arm and letting his hand stay there a little longer than necessary, causing Jaehyun's bare skin to heat up.

“So, can you tell me what your plans are now or are they still a secret?” Taeyong asked nonchalantly, as if he hasn't even noticed the impact his touch had on Jaehyun. The latter tried to shrug it off and focus on their conversation instead.

“Right now we're going to the art room and I'm going to paint you. We'll do something else afterwards, but I'll tell you the details once we're done with _Step One,”_ Jaehyun laughed, very happy to see Taeyong's eyes light up in excitement at the mention of the art room. Besides, he was very proud of himself that so much time has passed and he has still managed to keep his little secret about the plans.

-

Taeyong was standing in the middle of the room surrounded by a circle of canvases, only one of them occupied by Jaehyun. The soft, orange curtains turned the already so warm lights filling in the space into an ever warmer shade, an even softer shade.

Taeyong, embraced by those beautiful lights, those beautiful colors, looked like someone holy, someone mighty, someone too good to be standing right in front of Jaehyun's eyes. He was so glad that Taeyong had put on a white shirt like Jaehyun had asked him to, perfectly taking in those marvelous lights in the most complimenting way possible. His beauty took over the room like a storm, so strong and powerful, so dangerous yet somehow calming. The lights complimented his features in a way that single-handedly made him become the strongest presence in the room. He was strong, he was powerful, he was beautiful.

The universe had so many secrets, kept so many beauties hidden for itself to admire. Jaehyun would never be able to find words worthy of conveying how endlessly thankful he was for Taeyong, one of nature's greatest works, being such a huge part of his life. A beauty waiting to be admired Jaehyun among dozens of other people, but in this very moment, by Jaehyun only.

“You ready?“ Jaehyun smiled at Taeyong who still looked as nervous and excited as the first time they did this.

Taeyong nodded and that was Jaehyun's cue to start painting.

On the one hand, Jaehyun loved painting Taeyong. Working with him was always so easy and it felt so natural and right and good, like they had been made to do this. Also, especially from the perspective of an artist, his face had the perfect structure, following all the rules to be considered aesthetically pleasing through the human eye. On the other hand though, drawing Taeyong had always been the greatest challenge of his life and he was pretty sure that it would always remain in that position. Every single detail of his features was so distinctly unique and special in it's own way. Every single one of them was required to bring together the total sum of his beauty, and, in Jaehyun's eyes, it would have been a crime to ignore even the most inconspicuous one of them.

Deciding on one favorite feature was everything but easy. The impact of his deep, dark eyes was remarkable. The way his lips could claim the attention of all people in a room to be theirs was admirable. The sharpness of his nose, the general symmetry of his face, his slender fingers, his posture – they were all one of a kind, all so, so worthy of being portrayed in the world's best museums.

However, there was one small detail, more special than the others, more significant than the others. A scar below Taeyong's right eye – easy to be overlooked, easy to be considered a flaw. Yet, to Jaehyun it played such an important role regarding Taeyong's entire being.

On the outside, he looked cold and unapproachable, many people have said so already and neither Jaehyun nor Taeyong himself could deny it. Jaehyun knew that it was a huge issue for Taeyong, so he always tried his best to help him in any way possible, but his best friend's mind was always filled with so many other issues and worries and it made it all really hard.

Jaehyun knew that Taeyong was everything but cold. He was one of the nicest people he had ever met – if not even the nicest. He had never, not once, been groundlessly rude or unfriendly to anyone. He was so kind, so full of love. Nevertheless, he had been let down by other people countless, undeserved times and with every single time, his confidence shrunk a bit more, leaving him a bit more scared to express his feelings, to share his love and kindness with the world. He had built this shell, these walls around himself over the years in order to protect himself from being hurt, making it harder and harder to get through to him.

Jaehyun knew that it was all a facade, a mechanism to avoid any more scratches on his soul. He liked to think of that scar as a little crack on said facade, especially made for the people who wouldn't let him down and accept him the way he was. He was so thankful for that little passage. It had gifted Taeyong and him with so many happy times over the past few years, that he would never miss for the world.

-

“Could you adjust your arm a bit?“ Jaehyun gestured the way he needed Taeyong to position his arm. Taeyong did how he was told and once Jaehyun was satisfied with his posture, he continued painting.

“What are you thinking about?” Taeyong asked after a while, careful not to move and accidentally interrupt Jaehyun's painting process.

Jaehyun hummed in a slightly distracted note, “Why are you asking?”

“You're so quiet,” Taeyong responded, snuffling.

“Are you sick?” Jaehyun stopped painting, suddenly worried about Taeyong's health, a frown forming on his forehead.

“I'm okay, don't worry about me,” Taeyong smiled, telling him to continue painting with a swift, petite gesture. Gestures like this one always made Taeyong look so much younger, so innocent that it caused Jaehyun to smile from one ear to another, starting to paint more lines on the canvas that was not so plain anymore. “You didn't reply, Jae. What are you thinking about?”

“I'm trying to focus on this painting. I don't wanna mess anything up,” Jaehyun told him truthfully. Taeyong was fully aware of how Jaehyun always struggled with satisfying himself when it came to painting him and it wasn't any different that time.

Taeyong didn't seem convinced, dropping out of his pose to place his hands on his hips, pouting a little. “I know that. You're always quiet while painting but, I don't know, you seem quieter than usual.”

Jaehyun knew that Taeyong was right. He would usually talk about simple topics now and then and still manage to concentrate on his drawing, but this time he wanted to focus all his concentration and strength on this canvas, put all his effort into it, hoping to finally be fully pleased with the outcome. In order to explain this to Taeyong, he carefully placed his tools on a desk and took a few steps towards Taeyong.

“You wanna know what's on my mind?” he calmly asked, taking a few more steps. In response Taeyong only nodded, looking at Jaehyun with an unreadable expression, not entirely understanding what was happening.

“Let me explain it to you,” Jaehyun said, a few more steps away from Taeyong. He kept walking in silence until he came to a stop right in front of Taeyong, only a breath apart.

Jaehyun took one of Taeyong's hands in his. “This. This is what's on my mind,” he whispered, running the tips of his own fingers over Taeyong's, “You see the way your fingers bend right here? How prominent your veins are over here and how sharp your knuckles look right there?” Jaehyun spoke, his gaze focused on Taeyong's hands, not looking up to his eyes.

Taeyong didn't respond, so Jaehyun's fingers kept wandering to his jaw, tracing the line of it with his index finger. “Your jaw. It's so sharp, it separates your neck from your face in a way so precise and distinct, I've never seen on anyone in reality before.” Jaehyun was still trying to avoid Taeyong's gaze. They were so close and with the way Jaehyun was touching Taeyong's most special features, he knew that his mind would get distracted and come up with thoughts that were more than unwelcome right then.

The next spots he let his fingers rest on were his cheeks – or more precisely, his cheekbones. He cupped his face with both his hands gently, kindly. Caressing both sides with each one of his thumbs, he continued his explanation, “Your face is so symmetrical. Sharp bones dominating both sides of your face equally. It makes you look so charismatic.”

Moving his hands a bit further behind, he began edging his ears. “You ears are a teeny tiny bit jutting but it suits you so much. They do such a great job in complimenting your face, you don't even notice how special they are at first sight. But I did. I noticed them and they're such an important feature of you.”

Jaehyun pushed a few of Taeyong's dark strands behind his ears and then removed his hands. He finally looked Taeyong in the eyes only to see that the latter has closed them.

“Open your eyes Tae,” Jaehyun whispered. It wasn't until Taeyong really did open his eyes again and really did look straight into Jaehyun's own eyes, that Jaehyun noticed how rapidly his heart was beating by now.

He sighed at the realization, then continued talking. “You probably know what's coming next, huh?” he let out a small chuckle, trying to overcome - or hide - his nervousness, gaining him a nod from Taeyong. “You know how much I admire your eyes. They're so big and your gaze is so powerful. They're the first thing people notice about you and they will always fascinate them so much that they won't get away from you. They won't get away from the need of staring into your eyes. Your eyes hold an entire world of their own inside them, they're truly mesmerizing.”

Taeyong opened his mouth to say something but Jaehyun interrupted him, “I'm not done,” he said, still in that silent, composed tone. He placed his left hand back on the right side of Taeyong's face, letting his thumb brush over his scar. At said touch, Taeyong closed his eyes once more, sighing, letting Jaehyun stroke the small spot on his skin.

“It makes you who you are. You wouldn't be Lee Taeyong without your little scar,” Jaehyun smiled, despite Taeyong not being able to see it, hoping that it would still manage to make his voice sound happier. And either his voice really did sound happier or Jaehyun's words simply made Taeyong feel good because he spotted a smile spreading on Taeyong's lips as well.

“Tae, open your eyes please,” Jaehyun pleaded, still smiling, still whispering, his hand still on the skin of Taeyong's face. So Taeyong opened his eyes, his gaze shifting to Jaehyun's lips, spotting the smile resting right there, causing his own smile to grow a little wider.

“You are what I'm thinking about,” Jaehyun breathed out, barely audible. He moved his hand to the side of Taeyong's head and began playing with the strands of his soft, silky hair. “You are so special. There are so many stories the features I just listed could tell by themselves and believe me, there are _so many more._ I want to capture them, so that people can look at my work and be able to hear those stories. I want this to be perfect. I'm sorry I'm not talking but I'm really trying to put more effort into this than I'd usually do.”

Taeyong let out a shaky breath and Jaehyun observed his eyes becoming a little glazed. Jaehyun was afraid that Taeyong would start crying, so he shot him a concerned look and quit playing with his hair, instead locking their hands, giving Taeyong's a light, gentle squeeze.

“I'm so lucky to have you,” Taeyong mumbled, squeezing back Jaehyun's hands. He then loosened his grip in order to rub his eyes, “I'm not crying by the way, so don't even think about saying anything,” he chuckled and so Jaehyun joined him, leaving them both laughing, not worrying about anything, even if it was just for a short moment.

With all the previous tension gone, Jaehyun offered to play some music if this silence was making Taeyong too uncomfortable. Taeyong gladly accepted his offer, calling it a great idea and with that, Jaehyun was back to painting and Taeyong was back to posing with a few of their favorite songs playing in the background.

-

Jaehyun was lucky. The time he had booked was a perfect fit. A couple of minutes before it ended, he was done. Taeyong and him were sitting on a windowsill, the orange curtains pushed aside, and Jaehyun was currently explaining the different techniques he had used on the different parts of the painting to Taeyong. He was talking about the parts that had been easy to outline and the ones he had some difficulties with. Taeyong was listening attentively, asking some questions now and then.

However, it wasn't until they had left the art studio and were on their way to the next destination Jaehyun had planned for them to visit, that Taeyong asked _the question._

“Are you, uh. Satisfied with this drawing?” he asked, sounding very shy and reluctant, probably afraid that Jaehyun would answer something along the lines of _No I'm not._ Jaehyun couldn't help but smile in response because, even though he still wasn't a hundred percent pleased, this drawing was definitely his favorite one so far.

“Yeah. Yeah. I'm satisfied,” he half-lied, not wanting to make Taeyong feel bad. Jaehyun was happy to see Taeyong smile, seemingly happy with the response he had received. This version of Taeyong was by far Jaehyun's favorite one – a happy, content Taeyong with no need to worry about anything.

After a few moments of walking in silence Taeyong spoke up again, “Where are we going exactly? And what are you carrying in that cooler?” He pointed to the box Jaehyun was carrying along, one eyebrow raised in question.

“Someone's being curious I see,” Jaehyun chuckled, earning him that _adorable_ pout from Taeyong. “There's nothing special in here. Just some wine and some snacks,” he said, gesturing towards the box himself. “We're going to that lookout in the park. I thought we could just sit there and talk, maybe watch the sunset, I don't know.”

Now that Jaehyun had voiced his plans out loud for the first time in front of another person, he realized how incredibly cheesy they sounded. But he couldn't care less, he still thought they both would enjoy it a lot and have a great time together. Luckily, Taeyong seemed to agree with him, since he grinned like a little child after getting to know Jaehyun's plans and told him that he loved the view on that lookout and that it sounded like a fantastic idea.

They spent the rest of the walk talking about nothing and everything, sharing a few touches here and there, laughing about Jaehyun's dumb jokes, screaming because Taeyong mistook a limb of a tree for a snake at some point.

“I didn't bring a blanket but you can sit on my jacket,” Jaehyun said as they arrived, scratching his neck, annoyed with himself for forgetting something as trivial as a _blanket._

“It's fine, I like sitting on the grass,” Taeyong smiled, already sitting down cross-legged on the grass, picking at a few culms in his area of reach.

“But your shirt is white and-”

“It doesn't matter, Jae. Stop worrying and sit down already,” Taeyong said, clicking his tongue in a played annoyance.

Jaehyun shook his head, smiling to himself. He sat down next to Taeyong and told him to leave the grass alone or otherwise they'd end up sitting directly on the dirt beneath it, while unpacking the content of the cooler.

Taeyong laughed wholeheartedly, calling Jaehyun a _grandma_ while popping a grape into his mouth. Jaehyun didn't even bother trying to get back at him for it, too busy being happy about Taeyong having such a good time.

Jaehyun began munching on a grape himself, making use of the lookout's actual purpose by taking in the view presented to them. Since the park was a few meters out of the city, you could enjoy a bright outlook on some parts of the forest, followed by the high buildings, the busy streets and the bright lights of the town they lived in. Even though you could see everything, all the noises were faded out, leaving them with the sounds of Mother Nature only – birds chirping, the rushing of the tiny stream. Jaehyun loved how the huge contrasts of both parts became visible in one spot.

The view was even more beautiful with the sun setting behind the tall buildings, letting both the city and the forest glow in such a special, somewhat silky way. The glassy buildings were reflecting the light pink lights of the sky, making the city appear as if it was made out of cotton candy. Jaehyun found that very ironic since cotton candy would usually be associated with something sweet, something soft and nice, something you'd love and something that would love you equally as much. This huge, terrifying city was everything but.

Sure, it had some good aspects, kept some good people – Taeyong, for example – but the city was harsh. The people were constantly stressed and didn't have time to enjoy anything, causing them to act in unkind ways. This city could destroy you in a matter of seconds.

Jaehyun packed out two plastic cups he had stuffed into the cooler as well, filling them both with red wine. Taeyong and him clinked their cups, laughing at how pathetic it was to do so with _plastic cups._ Still, they were both content with the circumstances, they couldn't wish for anything better than drinking red wine in cups made out of plastic, sitting on the cool grass, observing the sunset glow.

“It looks really pretty, doesn't it?” Taeyong asked, obviously talking about the lights of the sun setting. Yet, all Jaehyun could think about was how pretty _Taeyong_ looked, embraced by those beautiful colors, these mesmerizing lights, this gorgeous gleam. The sharpness of his features seemed even more distinct than it did back in the art room as they were covered in the orange lights through the curtains. Now, with the lights being entirely natural, his face looked more natural as well, the shadows projected by his facial characteristics complimenting them a lot more.

Jaehyun simply hummed in response, taking in Taeyong's glowing skin one last moment before he averted his gaze back to the outlook. He stared off into the distance, not letting any negative thoughts fill his head just as well as he didn't let any thoughts about Taeyong being a little more than his best friend take over his mind.

He thought about the view, thought about his surroundings, thought about how beautiful and happy Taeyong looked in that exact moment and nothing more. Those were the only thoughts he let into his brain right then, he could think about everything else at some other point.

As the sun was almost completely set, the darkness of the night slowly overcoming them with only the moon and the stars as a source of light, Taeyong told Jaehyun to close his eyes so he could feed him and he'd have to guess what it was.

Jaehyun smiled, closing his eyes and opening his mouth for Taeyong to put either a grape, a strawberry or a piece of chocolate in – there honestly wasn't a lot to choose from, but Jaehyun wouldn't let that ruin the fun.

He could feel Taeyong's cold fingers brush against the corner of his lips as he dropped something into his mouth. Jaehyun closed his mouth and began chewing whatever has been put into his mouth, not letting the fact that Taeyong's hand has just touched his lips affect him at all.

“That's chocolate,” Jaehyun said, opening his eyes again to be met with the image of Taeyong munching on a piece of chocolate himself.

“Wow, Jung Jaehyun you truly do know your flavours!” Taeyong mocked him, laughing with all his heart.

“Hold on, you started this! Don't make fun of me now!” Jaehyun practically screamed with laughter, not having any of this, “It's your turn now, go close your eyes Mister Smartypants!”

Closing his eyes was no problem for Taeyong, but opening his mouth and actually keeping it open was a whole different story. He was still laughing, probably tipsy by now, in a state to laugh at simply everything. Jaehyun wanted to say something along the lines of 'keep it together' or 'snap out of it' in a teasing tone, however, he just couldn't bring himself to feel anything but happiness.

Some people were happy drunks, others were sad drunks. Some turned flirty, others turned philosophical. With Taeyong, it was always a surprise. Jaehyun had already experienced all kinds of drunk Taeyong and he definitely preferred this happy drunk Taeyong over all the others, even flirty drunk Taeyong.

As Taeyong eventually managed to stop giggling like a small child a few minutes later, sitting right in front of him with his eyes closed and his lips parted, Jaehyun actually let his mind wander for a short moment.

His lips were glowing in the distant moonlight, covered in a thin layer of wine and the few remnants of lip balm he always used to keep his lips moisturized and soft.

Soft was a wonderful word to describe his lips. They were without a flaw, looking so unbelievable welcoming. Just for a second Jaehyun thought about what would happen if he placed his own lips right on top of Taeyong's, letting Taeyong taste himself instead of a fruit. Just for a second he thought about how their lips would fit together, melt together. Just for a second he thought whether the kiss would be soft and innocent or if they'd let it grow deeper, hungry for each other, covered in heat.

But as fast as he had let those thoughts enter his mind, he was already dismissing them again. Jaehyun took a deep breath, trying to calm down his nerves, wiping off the sweat that has formed on his palms.

Jaehyun picked a strawberry out of the box and placed it into Taeyong's mouth, careful not to let his fingers brush over his skin. The older boy chewed on the fruit a few times before he opened his eyes, proudly exclaiming that it was a strawberry.

Jaehyun smiled at how proud Taeyong looked, deciding not to tease him for it and instead raising his hand to give him a high five. Taeyong gladly accepted the offer, but instead of only letting their palms slap against each other for the fraction of a second, he intertwined their fingers as soon as they touched.

“Do you remember asking me to run away with you at Mark's party?” Taeyong asked, pulling their hands into his lap, so he could play with Jaehyun's fingers.

“I do.”

Of course Jaehyun remembered. He might have been very, _very_ drunk but he could still remember it. He knew better than anyone else that it was impossible for them to just run away and leave everything and everyone behind but that had not stopped his drunken self from bringing it up.

“Let's do it when we're older.” Taeyong said, full of confidence, the tips of his fingers softly following the bumps of Jaehyun's knuckles.

“Seriously?” Jaehyun asked. He couldn't believe his ears. Of course, it was impossible for them to just leave right now but who was there to stop them when they're older, graduated from college, adults capable of making their own decisions?

“Yeah. But only if your, um. Relationship status allows it then,” Taeyong mumbled.

 _Oh, right._ Seokmin was there to stop them. Any other possible future partners, both for Taeyong and for him, might be there to stop them. For this plan to work out they'd have to be either single or dating each other. Jaehyun wasn't too sure what he should think about those requirements. He knew that especially after today, he could clearly say that he wasn't opposed to the idea of Taeyong and him dating, but he also knew that he shouldn't be having such thoughts while he was in a relationship with, well, not Taeyong.

“We'll see what the future is keeping in stock for us,” Jaehyun whispered, trying not to look at Taeyong and observing the city lights fighting against the gloom of the night,

He could feel Taeyong slipping his hand out of Jaehyun's grip, placing it on Jaehyun's thigh instead to squeeze it lightly. “Yeah. Yeah, we'll just do that.”

-

Jaehyun accompanied Taeyong back to his dorm that night, his chest feeling tighter and tighter with every step they took bringing them closer to the moment of separation. Jaehyun didn't want to be alone that night, didn't want to be without Taeyong. He felt like this entire day had burdened them both with a load of emotional baggage, so maybe it would be a good idea for them to spend the night together, able to keep their eyes on each other, be there for each other.

Jaehyun _really, really_ didn't want to sleep alone that night. He knew exactly how cold his bed sheets would be, how quiet his room would be with Doyoung already fast asleep, how dark it would be with the curtains closed and all the lights turned off. Jaehyun didn't want any of that at all.

“Do you think I could spend the night in your dorm tonight?” Jaehyun voiced out his thoughts, a little reluctant, afraid to be rejected. Maybe he had misread all the signs and Taeyong actually wanted to be alone, didn't want to spend any more time with Jaehyun for now.

But luckily, Jaehyun hadn't misread anything. Taeyong nodded eagerly, “I'd love that.”

“I'm glad,” Jaehyun smiled to himself, throwing one arm around Taeyong's waist, rubbing small circles on that space for the rest of the walk.

As they arrived at Taeyong's room they found Johnny's bed empty. Taeyong turned on a small light, explaining that Johnny was out at some new club that served free drinks to the first fifty guests to show up. Jaehyun chuckled at that, “typical Johnny.”

Taeyong voiced out his agreement, going through Johnny's drawer in order to find some clothes for Jaehyun to sleep in. He pulled out a simple black shirt and a pair of shorts, throwing them in Jaehyun's direction.

“These should fit. Johnny never wears those shorts anymore, says his booty would be _too thick_ for them,” Taeyong explained in a mocking tone, gesturing towards his own butt, imitating to follow the lines of curves in that area.

“Another typical Johnny,” Jaehyun snickered at that, holding one hand in front of his mouth, trying not to be too loud so he wouldn't wake anyone.

They then both changed into the comfortable clothes and Jaehyun stayed turned away from Taeyong the entire time, so he wouldn't accidentally end up staring at his skin like a lovestruck idiot or a horny teenager.

“Is Seokmin okay with us sharing a bed? Because I can sleep on the floor, I don't wanna cause any trouble,” Taeyong mumbled, chewing on his nails. Jaehyun hated how Taeyong _always_ did this so that he had eventually picked up that habit from Taeyong.

“Don't be silly, we can sleep in the same bed. And besides, if one of us was sleeping on the floor it'd be me.” Jaehyun replied, already settling down under Taeyong's bed sheets, causing his prior statement to sound a little less credible.

“You definitely wouldn't but yeah okay, if you say so,” Taeyong snorted, settling down next to Jaehyun on his mattress after turning off the light he had turned on earlier.

Jaehyun didn't even bother replying to that anymore, simply wishing Taeyong a good night before dropping one arm around his torso from behind, snuggling his nose into Taeyong's neck.

“Sleep well,” Taeyong whispered into his blanket, clinging a bit closer to Jaehyun, placing one of his hands above Jaehyun's that was resting on his stomach.

Jaehyun was neither cold nor lonely that night. He could fall asleep so easily, feeling at home, feeling safe and secure.

He didn't wake up as Johnny returned to the dorm at about five in the morning, he didn't wake up as Johnny pulled up their blanket that has shifted off them earlier, and he also didn't wake up as Taeyong turned in his sleep, resting his head on Jaehyun's chest, tangling their legs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we have my monster baby number 2!!!  
> i'm soo sorry this update is coming so late but i've been really busy with school and exams and arghhrhh its been some very exhausting days  
> anyway! this story is a mess and i'd like to apologize for it! i hope you guys still enjoyed reading this chapter, i hope it won't take me 2 weeks to finish the next chapter again but i can't make any promises ;-(
> 
> anyway 2.0! my friends and me got got7 tickets!!! LIKE!!! I'M GONNA SEE GOT7 WITH MY WHOLE ENTIRE OWN EYES!!! I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS AAAH


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: we're back to taeyong's pov!

It was a wonderful night. A peaceful night. Probably the most peaceful one he's been through in the last couple of months. Taeyong didn't wake up once, had no troubles falling asleep, didn't shed a single tear. He knew that Jaehyun was there, right next to him. He felt so safe with his arms wrapped around him, with his body heat keeping him warm, able to feel his chest rising and sinking, his even breath ghosting over his skin.

Taeyong knew that he wasn't alone. Jaehyun cared about him and Jaehyun wasn't gonna let anyone rob him of his peace, so he had stayed. Jaehyun cared about Taeyong.

Or at least Taeyong thought so, just as he had always thought that Jaehyun loved him. Maybe this time he was wrong again because, as he opened his eyes, expecting to face Jaehyun and wish him a good morning, he was met with an empty bed.

Taeyong blinked a few times to make sure he wasn't still dreaming, but after looking around the room, he was sure that he was wide awake. He spotted all the furniture where it belonged, Johnny fast asleep on his bed, no Jaehyun in his bed or anywhere else in the room.

Even after digging the heels of his hands into his eyes, making sure to rub out all the leftover sleep, Jaehyun was nowhere to be seen. Taeyong sighed, coming to terms with reality, accepting his fate.

Realizing that they didn't brush their teeth as they returned to the dorm last night, Taeyong began to taste the disgusting flavor on his tongue, naturally grimacing with loathing. He stood up as quietly as possible so he wouldn't wake Johnny up, and headed towards the bathroom on their floor, ready to freshen up and get rid of all those horrible tastes and smells he was carrying around with himself.

After meticulously brushing his teeth, he decided to take a quick shower.

With the warm water drizzling down on his skin, causing Taeyong's body to feel awoken and clean, he also found some time to clean out his mind, recall everything that has happened the day before.

The thing was that Taeyong had been peeking. He had been peeking as he was supposed to keep his eyes shut so Jaehyun could place whatever food he wanted in his mouth. The thing was that Taeyong had caught Jaehyun staring at his lips. The problem with all this was was that Taeyong wasn't sure whether he was seeing too much into this or if Jaehyun was simply looking at his lips while deciding on the food he wanted to pick.

Through Taeyong's eyes it had looked like there had been a flash of _desire_ in Jaehyun's eyes while he had been staring. He didn't know if it had just looked like it because Taeyong wanted it to be true or because it _was true._

The one thing he could say for sure was that Jaehyun's actions were more than confusing. One second Taeyong was convinced that Jaehyun only saw him as a friend and the next he really felt like Jaehyun saw him as more. More – whatever that meant.

A few weeks ago, anyone could have asked Taeyong what Jaehyun was to him and he would have always said he was his best friend. His best friend and nothing else. By now, he would reply something else. He would say that he himself was the night and that Jaehyun was his day. He would say that he was the moon and Jaehyun was his sun. He would say that Jaehyun was the light of his life, that everything around him turned golden when they were together. He would say that Jaehyun was the source of all positivity in his life and that he wouldn't be nearly as happy as he was right now without him. He would say that he was so deeply in love with Jaehyun that he couldn't picture himself without him anymore, that he could never get out of this, that he didn't even want to.

That was one major, life-changing realization Taeyong has made lately.

So yeah, maybe Taeyong was hoping for Jaehyun to see him as more than a friend, maybe he was hoping for Jaehyun to stare at his lips. Maybe, Taeyong has finally understood what true love feels like.

-

Clad in an orange shirt and gray sweatpants, his hair still damp, loose strands clinging to his forehead, Taeyong returned to his room. His body might have been clean and fresh by then but his mind was still far from it. The realization he has made was nothing but scary. If he was honest with himself, deep down he had always known that Jaehyun was so much more than just his friend, just his best friend, but finally finding a label for the way he felt towards the younger, that was frightening. It was so overwhelming, so hard to process.

Taeyong hoped to find a woken up Johnny so he could talk to him about all this. Maybe they could invite Ten as well since Taeyong hasn't seen the younger man since Mark's party and he actually missed him a lot. Right then, he wasn't sure of a lot of things but he was definitely convinced that he wasn't able to deal with this on his own.

However, as Taeyong opened the door he was greeted by a sight he did not expect to be greeted with at all. Johnny was still sleeping – which was not surprising at all – but his own bed wasn't empty like he had left it. Jaehyun was sitting on his mattress with two cups of coffee in a cup holder next to him, typing away something on his phone.

Jaehyun looked up at the sound of the door being opened and grinned at Taeyong after releasing a breath of what seemed to be relief. Taeyong frowned in confusion, not understanding why Jaehyun left or why he was back now.

He opened his mouth to ask said questions but Jaehyun managed to be faster than him. “You were still sleeping when I woke up earlier. I didn't want to wake you,” Jaehyun shot him his softest smile, still a little tired, a little sleepy, but fully happy.

“I thought you left, I. I thought I've done something wrong,” Taeyong whispered. He was so happy to see that Jaehyun hasn't actually left, that all his prior fears were proven wrong. He had been truly scared that he maybe destroyed everything, that he somehow drove Jaehyun away but Jaehyun was right there. In his room, on his bed, right with him.

“I just went to get some coffee,” Jaehyun replied equally as silent, handing Taeyong one of the cups, “I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. You didn't do anything wrong, Tae.”

Taeyong gladly accepted the cup of the sweet, warm beverage and sat down next to Jaehyun. “I'm glad,” he mumbled into Jaehyun's arm as he rested his head on his shoulder. He might have just taken a shower and he also might be just sipping on the mother of caffeine based drinks, but that didn't change anything about how tired he was. It was still quite early and he just couldn't help his eyelids fluttering close every few seconds.

“Please never do that again,” Taeyong muttered, playing with the lid of his cup to give his fingers something to be occupied with.

“Never do what again?” he heard Jaehyun ask without looking up. He was struggling with keeping his eyes open anyway and he didn't need to actually see Jaehyun to know that his expression has turned into a worried one, that he was looking at Taeyong with concern, afraid that he'd done a mistake. They just knew each other too well.

“Leave,” Taeyong breathed out, pursing his lips, “Even if you just went to get some coffee. Don't ever just leave me like that again. I was so worried.”

Jaehyun placed a soft kiss on top of Taeyong's head and put his arm around his waist, leaving his slender, warm fingers to rest on the small spot of exposed skin between his sweatpants and his ridden up shirt. “I won't. I'm sorry, Tae, I promise I won't ever leave you.”

Taeyong put on a small smile to that, happy to know that Jaehyun would stay. Honestly, he had always known that Jaehyun would always stay, that he'd never leave him, but still, it just felt so incredibly nice to hear it out of Jaehyun's own mouth. “Thank you.”

Jaehyun soothingly, feathery stroked his skin with his fingertips, helping Taeyong to calm down, causing him to feel secure and reassured on the one hand, but on the other hand, making him feel more sleepy by the second.

“I'm so tired,” Taeyong yawned into the back of his hand, his drink placed aside, while his eyes have stayed closed for the past couple of minutes now. Yet, as he felt Jaehyun removing his calming hands from Taeyong's body to stand up, taking all his warmth with him, the elder slightly opened his eyes, pouting at a now standing Jaehyun. “What are you doing?” Taeyong reluctantly whined, already missing Jaehyun's touch.

“I'm taking off my shoes,” he said while doing exactly that, “and then we'll get some more sleep. It's way too early anyway.”

Taeyong most certainly liked that idea. More sleep sounded great as it was, but more sleep with Jaehyun next to him sounded _so_ much better. “Only because you insist so,” Taeyong chuckled, already curled up under his blanket, scooched over to one side of the bed so Jaehyun could lie down on the other side.

“Whatever you say, Mr. 'I'm so tired',” Jaehyun hummed, neatly leaving his shoes at the foot of Taeyong's bed. He then climbed under the blanket next to Taeyong and without having to think about it, as if they were both following a protocol, Jaehyun stretched out his arm so Taeyong could rest his head on Jaehyun's chest, so Jaehyun could curl said arm around Taeyong's petite body. As if they were on autopilot, they entangled their legs, Taeyong threw one arm over Jaehyun's upper body and dug the palms of his hand into the soft fabric of his shirt.

As they were lying down, their bodies an indistinguishable mess, Taeyong shortly looked up to catch a small glimpse of Jaehyun's face. At the sight of Jaehyun happily smiling Taeyong caught his own lips curving into a small smile. Jaehyun's happiness has always equaled his own happiness.

“Have I ever told you that your dimples are cute?” Taeyong asked, fumbling with the fabric of Jaehyun's shirt, nuzzling his face into the warm embrace of Jaehyun's body.

His eyes were closed again, so he could only hear Jaehyun chuckle in response and feel his grip around his torso tighten for a short moment, as if Jaehyun was giving him a small hug. He heard him say, “You have. Countless times. And every single time I'm thankful all over again.”

Taeyong hummed in response, too tired to think of a proper answer, too tired to remember any other time he had told Jaehyun that his dimples were cute. But really, they were. Taeyong absolutely adored them, he envied how friendly they made Jaehyun look. They complimented his overall rather soft and mellow features so much, making sure that his smile would cause anyone to feel welcome and loved. It was just so easy to like and trust Jaehyun.

The last things Taeyong caught were Jaehyun slowly combing through the still slightly wet strands of his hair with one hand and tangling the fingers of his other hand with Taeyong's, while breathing evenly, so Taeyong felt his chest rising and sinking steadily. After a few more moments of being taken care of by Jaehyun, Taeyong's eyes eventually became so heavy that he fell into a peaceful slumber. He knew that Jaehyun would never let anything happen to him, which made it endlessly easy to fall asleep with Jaehyun right next to him.

-

The next time he woke up was to the sound of a phone ringing. Without opening his eyes, he mindlessly scanned the space around him with his hands, accidentally poking Jaehyun's stomach in the process which earned him a small groan from the younger boy.

As he felt the hard surface of the phone, he slid his thumb over the screen to answer the call and held the phone to his ear, still not having checked who was calling him.

Taeyong grumbled a sleepy “Hello?” into the microphone, his voice sounding slightly hoarse.

“Hello? Jaehyun? Who is this?” the person on the other end of the call asked. And it was only then that Taeyong realized that he had mistaken the phone for his. It was actually Jaehyun's phone and the person who was calling him was no other than Seokmin.

Taeyong knew that it was completely irresponsible of him to feel a small pang of jealousy in his chest but he couldn't help it. “Oh, hi Seokmin. This is Taeyong,” he mumbled barely comprehensible, slightly ashamed of this encounter.

“Oh, uh, hi. Are you with Jaehyun right now? Can I speak to him?”

_'No you can not'_ is what Taeyong really wanted to say. “Yeah sure, hold on,” is what Taeyong did end up actually saying. He knew that Seokmin had every right to speak to Jaehyun and he also knew that he shouldn't feel so negatively towards Seokmin but his newfound realization of his feelings for Jaehyun dominated his thoughts, making it impossible for him to act rationally. It was just so unfair.

Taeyong shook Jaehyun's shoulders to wake him up. The latter needed a few shoves before he opened his eyes and confusedly blinked at Taeyong, asking him what has happened.

“It's Seokmin,” Taeyong explained, handing Jaehyun his phone. At the mention of Seokmin's name Jaehyun's eyes went wide and he mouthed something along the lines of 'oh crap', taking the phone out of Taeyong's hands and holding it close to his ear.

Taeyong couldn't hear the parts Seokmin spoke into the phone but judging from what Jaehyun was saying, it seemed like the latter had forgotten to contact him after returning home last night and thus, seemed to be in trouble. And it seemed to be a really, really bad kind of trouble.

“Seokmin? Hi, yeah it's me.”

“You're right, I didn't text you, I'm sorry I forgot-”

“No, no wait you're misinterpreting this-”

“Wait, what? No, please don't say this.”

“You can't possibly be serious right now. Seok- Seokmin? Hello?”

Jaehyun put the phone down into his lap, letting out a frustrated sigh at the sight of the phone screen that has now turned black, implying that the call has been ended.

“Are you all right?” Taeyong asked, endlessly worried about the well-being of the most important person of his life. It looked like his relationship was endangered and through the little information Taeyong had been given, it seemed like he played a role in threatening their relationship himself.

“No. I don't know. I gotta go, I'm sorry,” Jaehyun hurriedly got up from the bed and put on his shoes, “I'll text you later, okay?”

Taeyong watched him leave and quickly bid his goodbyes to Johnny – who must have woken up sometime during Jaehyun's phone call, his expression still sleepy and very puzzled – until he left the room, closing the door behind him.

“What was that all about?” Johnny shot him a confused look, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“I'm not sure actually,” Taeyong shrugged, fumbling with the edges of his blanket, “Sorry if we woke you.”

To that, Johnny simply stretched out his arms above his head, reassuring Taeyong that it was about time to get up anyway. Taeyong nodded and ended up watching Johnny roll out of his bed and out of the room, probably to freshen up for the day.

Now that Taeyong was in the room by himself, there were no noises or any other sorts of distractions to keep his mind from overthinking what has just happened. Taeyong eyed every corner of the room, hoping to find something he could think about instead of Jaehyun and the troubles he would have to face. However, the only thing that managed to catch his eye was the painting of him Jaehyun had drawn last night, because of course he had to place it right on top of his desk.

And of course it caused Taeyong's mind to entirely fixate on Jaehyun. On Jaehyun's hands and Jaehyun's focused expression while painting him. On Jaehyun's eyes that had been staring at Taeyong's lips. On Jaehyun's lips that have kissed so many other lips – so many, but not his own.

“He promised he wouldn't leave again,” Taeyong muttered to himself, letting his exhausted, drained limbs fall back onto his mattress. He was disappointed, he was hurt. He couldn't believe that he had been naive enough to believe Jaehyun as he told him that he'd always stay when it was just so clear, so obvious that it was an impossible task to ask from him. A promise he wasn't able to keep.

Taeyong knew that Jaehyun cared about him. He knew that he cared about him _a lot_ and that it would be nothing but rude of him not to acknowledge how much Jaehyun cared and how much Jaehyun has done for him so far. However, with their current situation, he would never be able to give Taeyong the kind of care that he needed from him so badly.

-

It wasn't until Taeyong, Johnny and Ten met up to hang out in the park where Jaehyun and him spent their evening yesterday, that Taeyong received the chance to talk about all his thoughts circling around Jaehyun and to let some air into his mind.

“I sat here with Jaehyun yesterday,” Taeyong smiled sadly, recalling the memories of the prior evening as they sat down on a blanket Ten had brought.

_I didn't bring a blanket but you can sit on my jacket._

Noticing the pitying looks he was receiving from the other two men, Taeyong quickly replaced the sad smile on his face with a played annoyed one. He really didn't need them to feel bad for him right now. “I had a good time, stop looking at me like that,” he flicked his tongue, staring at his hands to avoid their glances as much as possible.

“All right we'll stop,” Ten tried to stop looking worried but his voice completely gave away that he was still endlessly concerned. Taeyong knew that Ten didn't dislike Jaehyun as a person, he just didn't like his behavior.

While Ten thought that Jaehyun was in love with Taeyong, Taeyong wasn't so sure about that anymore. While Taeyong has never understood how Jaehyun could possibly be in love with him, Ten couldn't understand how idiotic Jaehyun was acting, how he was too blind to realize his feelings for Taeyong and how he didn't want to acknowledge his feelings when they were dedicated to _Taeyong._

Taeyong honestly couldn't understand how Ten thought of him that way. He's always had lots of difficulties to understand the concept of Jaehyun's love being meant for him to receive, but the thought of another person – _two people at once –_ having feelings for him? That was just something Taeyong would never be able to wrap his mind around. It felt too overwhelming, too unreal.

“What did you guys do yesterday?” Ten asked, crossing his legs so he could sit in a more comfortable way.

Not sure how many details he was comfortable sharing, Taeyong hummed for a short moment, recalling all the memories they had created. “We didn't do much, actually. We spent some time at the art room and then we came here, ate some snacks, drank some wine, _watched the sunset_ ,” Taeyong giggled at the last part, noticing how the others cringed since it was just so cheesy, “then we went back to the dorms and fell asleep.”

Johnny almost shrieked at Taeyong mentioning that, his face glowing with excitement. “Oh my God, you should have seen them! I got back to the dorm at, like, five and then I see these two cuddling in Taeyong's bed, but they somehow managed to kick the blanket off so I pull it back onto them and, honestly, it was so adorable. I really had to hold myself back from screaming,” Johnny explained, making many different gestures with many different body parts to visualize his story.

Taeyong felt his ears as well as his cheeks and his neck heating up. His entire face was practically on fire, probably covered in a dark shade of red caused by the embarrassment he was feeling due to Johnny's choice of words.

However, Ten seemed to find his embarrassment really amusing since he was giggling happily, his eyes having turned into little crescents, which in return, caused Johnny to join him laughing, complaining that Ten was _way too adorable_ and that both him and Taeyong would have to stop causing his _old heart_ so much pain all the time.

Taeyong shook his head, snickering at how silly they were acting. He enjoyed it, though. The light atmosphere, the many, _many_ giggles the three of them shared, the happiness embracing them. It was so typical for them and Taeyong wouldn't want to have it any other way.

After laughing some more, a few more comfortable silences and one or two rather serious topics, they got back to the first topic they talked about that day – Jaehyun. Or to be more precise, Jaehyun's and Taeyong's relationship.

“I just wanna know how you feel about him,” Ten demanded, sounding unsure whether he really wanted to hear the truth or if he was better off not knowing.

It didn't even take Taeyong one second to come up with an answer. By now he knew that he was in love with Jaehyun. Although he hasn't exactly been able to come to terms with it yet, he did actually understand what it meant.

Replying, however, took him a little more than just a second. He knew that neither Ten nor Johnny would ever judge him for his feelings, but he wasn't quite sure if he was ready to share a realization so young, so significant with anyone else yet.

But then, after fumbling around with the edges of the blanket for a while, he decided that the two men were his closest friends, right after Jaehyun, and that he could trust them with everything. Additionally, it couldn't hurt to lift the heavy weights of the finding off his mind by sharing them. Taeyong knew that they would both be nothing but supportive. So he took a deep breath, kept his hands still in his lap and while staring at the shiny buildings of the city, he began speaking.

“I think I'm in love with him. Actually, I know that I am,” he averted his gaze away from the city and looked at the sky instead. It was clear, no clouds to be seen and it made Taeyong happy. Saying that he was in love with Jaehyun out loud for the first time made him happy as well. “He's so dreamy and everything just feels so right when we're together,” he smiled, closing his eyes.

Taeyong didn't have to open his eyes to know that both Johnny and Ten were smiling right now. Taeyong wasn't an idiot – he knew that the thought of Taeyong and Jaehyun having feelings for each other wasn't a new one to them, but him admitting it out loud was something new.

“Yeah,” Johnny whispered.

“That's really nice,” Ten breathed out.

They didn't sound surprised, like Taeyong had expected. He was smiling, he felt light, he felt right. Now, he could only hope that his newly gained confidence that had led to him confessing to his feelings would persist and ensure that many more good things would arise from it.

-

During the following week it looked like all his hopes were shattered. Like nothing good resulted from his confidence anymore.

The week started off completely normal, Taeyong attended his classes and tried to sleep as much as possible in between lectures. However, he didn't see or hear from Jaehyun for the entirety of Monday. At first he thought that maybe it was just a busy day for the younger, so he accepted it and moved on with his schedule.

But then Jaehyun didn't contact him on Tuesday either. Or on Wednesday. He didn't see him on Thursday, he didn't hear from him on Friday. Jaehyun didn't pick up his calls or reply to his text messages for the whole week. As Taeyong went to his dorm, Jaehyun was nowhere to be seen. Not even Doyoung knew where he went.

Taeyong became so worried that he couldn't concentrate in class anymore, he even began skipping meals and sleeping for two or three hours per night tops. He ignored everyone around him that noticed his unhealthy behavior, trying to help him and make sure that Taeyong wouldn't lose consciousness at some point. He didn't care about them. The only thing on his mind was Jaehyun, where Jaehyun was, why he didn't want to talk to Taeyong and why he had left when he had _promised_ that he'd stay.

Taeyong was mad and frustrated, but mostly he was worried. Jaehyun had never done such thing and Taeyong couldn't help but wonder whether anything happened to him.

Taeyong worried and worried and worried a little more until, on Saturday evening, his phone chimed, implying that he has received a new message. He didn't want to get his hopes up so he set his mind on expecting a message from his mother or his sister, but as he unlocked his phone and looked at his screen, he couldn't believe his own eyes. He read the message shining on his phone out loud once, twice, then he locked his phone again and threw it to the foot of his bed before storming out of the building.

  
  


**Jaehyun [10:21 PM]**

i broke up with seokmin

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember how i said that i wanted to finish this in under 2 weeks,,, ha,,, yeah that didn't work out  
> i'm really sorry about that but school is taking up so much of my time right now and i just cant find any time to write this ;-(
> 
> i'm sorry this chapter turned out to be so short, i hope you still enjoyed reading it!! its getting serious!!!


	7. Seven

Taeyong didn't return back to his dorm until Sunday morning. If anyone asked him what he has been doing all night long, he couldn't give a proper answer. He had been everywhere and nowhere at the same time, and even though he hadn't drunken anything, he hadn't felt sober ever since he read Jaehyun's text. Ever since then he's been feeling high - high on adrenaline, high on emotions.

So far he hasn't been able to decide on just one emotion to feel. His head was a mess, he felt queasy and dizzy, like he had lost all senses of direction. Accordingly, he had been running through all parts of the city all night long. He knew that he had ended up on a few roofs, in a few parks, a few bars. At a few points, strangers had offered to buy him a drink but he had always declined as politely as he saw himself capable of. Sometimes, strangers had asked him if he was okay because, apparently, he had looked just as lost as he had felt.

Avoiding all sorts of human interactions wasn't as easy as he had always thought. Some people just couldn't take no for an answer, so they would bug Taeyong for long whiles, follow him around, _t_ _ouch him_ in places, some less appropriate than others. They'd do that until he would finally give in and share a dance with them or whatever it was that they wanted from him, or in some rare lucky cases until they'd get bored and just leave him alone.

That night, Taeyong had learned how draining, how cruel this huge city could be. He had experienced all sorts of proof to that and yet, the second he set foot on the university campus on Sunday morning, every single memory seemed to pour right out of his head. He'd never get rid of the negative feeling he now associated with this city at night-time but all the details had vanished.

They had vanished to make room for something, _someone,_ way more important. They had vanished because said someone was sitting on a bench near the university's entrance, right in Taeyong's field of vision, only a few meters away.

Said someone was sitting there, staring at his phone and he looked exactly like he did one week ago, as Taeyong had thought that he had left. He looked exactly like he did back then but at the same time, he looked like a complete different person.

The most obvious change, one that everyone would immediately notice, was his hair. He had dyed his hair. His hair that used to be jetblack, a shade so beautiful any raven on earth would envy, was now light brown, even the slightest bit red. It looked so soft, so warm, with the silky strands of his honey-like hair blowing in the wind he looked so untouchable, so unreachable, almighty even. The lighter hair suited him very well. It matched and complimented his soft, smooth features in a way his dark hair could never have done.

Another change, one that wasn't as obvious as the first one, one that still stood out to Taeyong's eyes like a camel on a highway would, was his frame. His frame became so much thinner over this one week. Taeyong felt his heart clenching, his insides twisting at the thought of Jaehyun barely eating anything so he would end up losing that much weight.

Even though Jaehyun's head was lowered and Taeyong couldn't see his face clearly, he noticed the very prominent dark circles below his eyes. Taeyong let those thoughts linger on his mind until it hit him – he hasn't exactly been eating a lot, or sleeping a lot lately himself. It's been a while since the last time he had looked at himself in a mirror and he honestly didn't want to do it any time soon.

He knew that Jaehyun would feel just as much pain seeing him like this as he was feeling right then at the sight of Jaehyun's figure and he wanted to avoid that. Judging by Jaehyun's appearance it became more than clear that he was going through enough pain as it was, so Taeyong could only hope that he hasn't spotted him yet and try leaving to his room.

But of course that didn't work out. Of course, as Taeyong tried to quietly pass Jaehyun, the latter lifted his head and looked right at him, and of course, Taeyong had to look right back so that their eyes would meet. Neither of them said anything for a long moment, while Taeyong observed Jaehyun's eyes tracing over his own stature. His own stature that probably looked just as miserable as Jaehyun's.

And just as Taeyong had expected, he saw something in Jaehyun's expression shifting. If he had been looking empty earlier, he was looking sad, devastated even, now. Knowing that Taeyong was the one who was causing Jaehyun so much pain led to his eyes filling with tears, his chest tightening, his whole body trembling. Jaehyun felt terrible, so Taeyong immediately felt terrible as well.

Before Taeyong could say or do anything, Jaehyun had already gotten up, walked over to him and embraced him in a tight, _oh so tight,_ hug. He could feel Jaehyun's fingers digging into his back, their chests pressed together, leaving absolutely no space between their two bodies. Although Jaehyun was taller than Taeyong, he buried his face in his neck. It left them in a slightly awkward position but Taeyong couldn't care less. He couldn't care less because the skin he felt pressed against his own was _wet._ Wet with tears and it _hurt_. It hurt so much, Taeyong couldn't bring himself to move, couldn't bring himself to throw his own arms around Jaehyun's torso, couldn't bring himself to hold Jaehyun and rub soothing circles into his sides, just like he deserved.

Taeyong wasn't used to this. Usually, it was him who needed to be held by Jaehyun, who needed to feel the pressure of his strong arms embracing his body. Jaehyun would always be there for him when he was in need of somebody, he'd always get Taeyong to stop crying and calm his nerves. Now, that one time it was the other way around, that one time Jaehyun needed Taeyong to do all these things for him, he failed. Instead of getting Jaehyun's tears to stop, Taeyong was crying himself. Instead of holding him securely, tightly, his arms were hanging loosely beside his body. He was so ashamed of himself, hated how he behaved. But he didn't know how to move, how to speak, how to function at all.

He heard Jaehyun softly sobbing right next to his ear, while his grip on Taeyong's body became looser by the second until he let go of him completely.

“I'm so, so sorry,” Jaehyun whispered, wiping away the wet trails he had left on Taeyong's neck, as well as the ones Taeyong had left on his own cheeks. Taeyong didn't understand what exactly he was sorry for and he also didn't understand why Jaehyun only cared about Taeyong's skin, completely neglecting the tears that covered his own cheeks.

After blinking at Jaehyun a few times, Taeyong finally gained back his strength to function. The first thing he did was stroke Jaehyun's cheeks, dry his tears. He let his fingers linger on the brim of his jaw while asking what Jaehyun was sorry for.

“I left. I'm so sorry I left. I promised you that I'd stay but I. I left,” he barely choked out, his eyes filling with tears once again. Luckily, Taeyong's hands were right there to catch his tears. This was him receiving one more chance to show Jaehyun how strong he could be and he wouldn't let that one go to waste as well. This time, he wouldn't cry. He would be strong and make sure Jaehyun was okay. 

“Then, why did you?” Taeyong asked, caressing his face with one hand, combing through his unfamiliar honey-colored locks with the other one. His hair felt rough, damaged from the bleach. Honestly, it made Taeyong a little sad because the color suited Jaehyun so well but he didn't like how his hair felt now at all.

“I guess I needed some time for myself,” he breathed out, his voice filled with pain, “I feel so bad about not telling you where I went. I didn't tell anyone. I don't know, it was a dumb, very spontaneous idea.”

He sounded so ashamed, like he really regretted not including Taeyong in his plans and Taeyong knew that Jaehyun wasn't lying. He could tell that he was being sincere. But he could also tell that Jaehyun didn't completely regret going through with his plan, that the time he had spent on his own had really helped him with whatever struggles he was going through.

“Do you wanna know where I was?”

“Yeah sure,” Taeyong nodded. There were so many questions he wanted to ask so, so badly but he could sense that Jaehyun couldn't take any questions right then, so Taeyong left it at that. He could still ask his questions later.

“Do you remember my grandpa's cabin at that lake? It's like an half hour drive away from here?”

“Of course I do,” Taeyong smiled recalling all those great memories they had created at that cabin during the past few years. The first time they had been there together, Jaehyun's grandfather had stayed with them and one night he had told them a horror story so scary that they both couldn't fall asleep the night after. They had spent the entire night awake, looking for monsters and ghosts and vampires that could possibly form a threat to them. He could remember that night so clearly because it was the first time he had pulled an all-nighter. Back then, everything had been so much simpler and, thinking back, it became so clear to Taeyong how much everything has changed and it was heartbreakingly sad. “Did you stay there all week long?”

“Yeah. Well, almost. I went grocery shopping a few times, and I also tried coming back here a few times but that didn't work out, obviously,” he sighed.

“But that means you missed all your classes last week,” Taeyong frowned, worried about Jaehyun's education as well as his place at this university. He could _never_ survive the next few years at this place without him.

Taeyong expected any kind of reaction from Jaehyun. He expected more crying, expected him to worry, expected him to reassure Taeyong that it would be fine and that he didn't miss that many classes anyway. What he didn't expect  _at all_ was his actual reaction.

Jaehyun began  _chuckling._ All the tears he had been shedding earlier long forgotten. While it was shocking enough that he was laughing, the words he spoke right after were way, way more shocking. “I did. And I'm about to miss some more classes. I wanna go back there and-”

“But you can't-”

“ _And,”_ Jaehyun repeated, emphasizing the word a lot, as if he was telling Taeyong to let him finish, “I want you to come with me.”

“You want me to. What?” Taeyong stuttered out, wrinkles of confusion covering his forehead. As much as Taeyong enjoyed spending time with Jaehyun and as much as he was aware of the fact that they needed to talk about lots of things, he didn't want either of them missing any classes. Finals weren't that far away anymore after all.

“Come with me,” Jaehyun smiled at him, “please?”

The morning sun was hitting Jaehyun in all the right places. His hair looked even lighter, shined as brightly as his eyes were sparkling with hope. Jaehyun was simply standing there, smiling with those  _deep_ dimples and the soft lights made him look like a prince. Taeyong knew that he would give in at some point and accompany Jaehyun to that cabin anyway, he just couldn't resist the younger man and, quite frankly, it bothered him.

The impact Jaehyun had on him, the control he had over him. In a way, Jaehyun owned Taeyong – or at least his heart – and he could always get his will with him. It bothered Taeyong. But it didn't bother him as much as he loved all the great adventures he had been able to experience thanks to Jaehyun's impact.

Taeyong sighed, too tired, too weak to have this argument with Jaehyun that he had already lost and put his hands in his pockets. “Okay,” he agreed, “but we're not staying the entire week.”

-

Just like that, after Jaehyun clarified that Taeyong wouldn't need to pack anything because 'There are more than enough toothbrushes and towels and whatnot, and we can share my clothes. You look very cute when you drown in my shirts, I like it' Taeyong found himself on the passenger seat of Jaehyun's car, on the way to the cabin.

Most of the ride took place in silence. Whether it was the comfortable or the tense kind, Taeyong wasn't so sure. While he himself spent most of the time staring out of the window, sometimes catching small glimpses of his frowning face in the car's mirror, he wasn't sure what Jaehyun was doing or thinking. Obviously, he was occupied with driving but his facial expressions were constantly so unreadable.

Taeyong observed the blurry outlines of whatever they were currently driving past, thinking about everything and nothing all at once and meanwhile Jaehyun's thoughts remained hidden to him.

As they were standing at a red light, waiting for it to turn green, Jaehyun spoke up for the first time since they sat down in the car. “You know, I came by your dorm earlier this morning,” he said, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, “Johnny told me you went out last night and didn't return yet, so I waited for you to come back.”

Taeyong hummed in response, nervously rubbing his palms on his thighs, silently praying that Jaehyun wouldn't ask where he went last night. Then, the light turned green and Jaehyun stepped on the gas, “I'm not gonna ask you what you did. Just tell me that you were safe and that nothing happened to you. That nobody tried to hurt you.”

Could Taeyong truthfully tell him that? Absolutely not. Did that mean that he was gonna tell the truth and cause his best friend to worry about something so insignificant? The answer was no again. It hadn't been a pleasant night, but Taeyong was okay now. He was with Jaehyun now and that meant he was safe and secure, so there was no need to worry about anything that had happened in the past.

“I'm fine, nothing bad happened,” he sighed, his face turned away from Jaehyun so he wouldn't be able to catch his lies, “Thank you for asking.”

This time Jaehyun hummed in response. Taeyong could sense that he wasn't convinced but he also knew Jaehyun too well to assume that he would push him more so he let out one more relieved sigh before he averted his gaze back into Jaehyun's direction.

His hair was still light. Taeyong didn't know what he had expected. The hair obviously wouldn't just go back to being black any time soon, but it was such a huge change, he still had to get used to it. However, it being a huge change didn't make it a bad one. It was quite the contrary – Taeyong thought Jaehyun looked even more like himself now, which was weird since black was his natural hair color, but still the light color suited his light personality so much better.

“I really like your hair,” he softly commented after a few more minutes of driving in silence. After voicing his opinion he could observe Jaehyun's cheeks erupting in a rosy shade, matching the warm tone of his hair. Seeing Jaehyun flattered like this made Taeyong happy. It made him smile and it also created a certain, familiar warmth in the pit of his stomach which would soon spread all over his body.

“I wasn't so sure about it but I kinda like it, too. Thank you,” he said, biting down a smile on his lips.

They remained like this for the rest of the ride. Happy, warm, a little nervous. They shared a few more small conversations, one or two shy giggles. It was a good, calming journey.

Leaving the city behind almost felt like they were leaving all their problems behind. It was almost as if they were running away. Almost.

-

After they arrived at the cabin, Jaehyun gave Taeyong a quick tour around. While walking through the different hallways and rooms a lot of old memories came back. They really did always have a fantastic time in that wooden building and Taeyong could only ope that this time would be just as fantastic. Although he knew that it was highly unlikely because they were so much older, their situation was _so_ complicated and generally everything has changed, he could still hope. He could still dream a little and let the young, cheerful Taeyong that used to run through these halls take over one more time.

While the older Taeyong desperately wanted to address the one topic that was heavily hanging in the air surrounding them, the younger Taeyong told him that there was still plenty of time and that it could wait.

He knew that it was best to wait for Jaehyun to begin talking about it on his own, even though he was as impatient and curious to hear about it as a little child.

“I'll go take a shower. You can take some more comfortable clothes out of my closet if you want,” Jaehyun informed him, already moving towards the bathroom. Taeyong nodded, although he knew Jaehyun couldn't see him anymore and after eyeing the closet for a few seconds he decided that changing into a pair of sweatpants couldn't hurt.

As he opened the top drawer he was relieved not to be met with any of Jaehyun's underwear. It wasn't like he had never seen his boxers but strangely, this felt so much more intimate than ever before and it would feel wrong to look at them now. In a way, this was like Jaehyun's home and, despite Jaehyun giving him permission to look through his clothes, Taeyong felt like he had no right to do so.

Taeyong changed into a pair of Jaehyun's sweatpants which were, to absolutely nobody's surprise, way too big for him. They would keep shifting down his hips every now and then but Taeyong really didn't care. What mattered was that they were Jaehyun's and that he was sharing them with him and that was more than Taeyong would ever dare to ask for.

Now, feeling comfortable and cozy in his clothes, he settled down on the big bed in the middle of the room. The cabin and the nature surrounding it were nice, definitely, but Taeyong didn't know how to keep him busy until Jaehyun would be done showering.

The signal out here was very weak so he couldn't use his phone much, and his last stay here has been so long ago that he didn't know his options for possible entertainment. Eventually, he decided to just wait on the bed and maybe listen to some music.

He also tried texting Johnny about where he was, so his roommate wouldn't get worried and, luckily, the message did actually send after a couple of moments.

  
  


**Taeyong [11:47 AM]**

hey johnny its me

just wanted to tell you that i'm staying at jaehyun's grandpa's cabin for a while

he's here with me so i'm safe and you don't have to worry about me

i'll try to keep you updated but the signal here is pretty shitty

**Taeyong [11:48 AM]**

behave while i'm gone!!

  
  


Taeyong decided that there was no point in waiting for Johnny's reply since on the one hand, he was most likely still asleep anyway and on the other one, it would take ages for Taeyong to receive his text. So Taeyong turned on one of his favorite songs and put his phone away.

Jaehyun returned from his shower after a few more songs from Taeyong's playlist had played and Taeyong honestly had to admit that he slightly choked on his own saliva at the sight of the younger boy.

Jaehyun was standing in the doorframe, clad in nothing but a towel loosely hanging around his hips. His hair was still wet, dripping little water drops on his face so that he had to push the bright strands back in one silky motion in order to keep his face as dry as possible at this point. The slight layer of water that was still covering his skin in combination with the sunbeams illuminating the room let his skin glow in a manner more mesmerizing than Taeyong could have ever imagined.

He let his gaze travel over all the highlighted aspects of Jaehyun's body. First, his legs seemed to go on for _miles,_ and Taeyong felt like it took him an actual hour to completely look at them. Skipping the part that was covered by the towel, Taeyong took his sweet time looking at – admiring – Jaehyun's torso. It was so much more muscular than one would think. Every single one of Jaehyun's movements became visible through the muscles of his chest, as well as those of his arms, shifting and flexing, and Taeyong was endlessly fascinated by it. Endlessly drawn to it.

Lastly, Taeyong's eyes found Jaehyun face, found his own eyes. In Taeyong's eyes Jaehyun had always been one of the brightest, luminous human beings on earth, but right then, right there it was different. As always, his eyes were glowing and shining, the dark orbs were reflecting all the light around them and his skin seemed golden, as it was embraced by the warm rays of the sun. However, his glow seemed so much fresher than usual. Jaehyun looked a lot happier, more satisfied with everything and his mind seemed to be just so, so free. Free of negative thoughts, concerns, problems.

Taeyong couldn't help but smile brightly right in the direction of Jaehyun's face. He was deeply happy to see Jaehyun in such a positive state of mind and he was not going to hide those emotions.

Jaehyun smiled back at him and then began moving towards his closet. “I'm sorry, I forgot to take clothes with me.”

He fished a few clothing items out of the closet and went back to the bathroom to change, leaving Taeyong with an electrifying heat embracing him. He let his head fall back onto the pillows, releasing a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

It would have been a lie to say that seeing Jaehyun in such an exposed state didn't affect Taeyong at all. Seeing Jaehyun like this only made him realize how _attracted_ to him Taeyong actually was. He was so in love with every single detail of that man.

Usually people would fall for the outward appearance of a person first and for their personality second. With Jaehyun, that was the other way around. Obviously, Taeyong could have never denied that Jaehyun was downright beautiful, handsome and pretty but his looks had never been that important to Taeyong. His personality was what he appreciated about him the most. His personality was what made Taeyong fall in love with his best friend. Only after he realized how deeply he had fallen for him over the time did he begin to acknowledge his looks differently. It wasn't until then that Taeyong saw Jaehyun's face as more than just attractive, found his dimples more than just adorable and thought of his strong physique as more than just safe and secure.

-

Later that day, they were sitting on the back porch of the house, facing the lake. Taeyong had cooked some noodles for them earlier, which they were sharing now. It was nice, peaceful even, to just sit there and eat, surrounded by nothing artificial. Nothing but nature, regarding what you could see as well as what you could hear. There were not distracting sounds of cars or bright, gaudy lights of ads nobody cared about in the first place.

Although Taeyong's mind was still swimming, a big mess of _Jaehyun_ occupying most of it, he enjoyed it. He tried to ignore most thoughts that were being torn apart and messily put back together by his head right now, and he focused on what mattered instead.

He was alone together with Jaehyun at a place far, far away from their everyday lives. It was just the two of them and it almost felt like they had finally managed to run away together. Taeyong knew that they didn't actually run away together, that it was all just a load of wishful thinking but he enjoyed the idea of it so much that it didn't matter.

Another thing that mattered, one that he just couldn't get out of his head, was the one, sole reason all this was even happening. Jaehyun had broken up with Seokmin and Taeyong wanted to ask about it _so badly._ He knew he couldn't continue ignoring it for much longer, but he also knew that he couldn't just confront Jaehyun with it. He would have to wait for him to address it himself, and he could only hope that he would do so soon. All this was driving Taeyong crazy.

“You were totally checking me out earlier, weren't you?” Jaehyun asked after a while, cheekily grinning at him.

Taeyong did _not_ expect this. Not at all. Accordingly, his entire body began heating up, probably causing the skin of his face, neck and ears to bloom in a vibrant shade of red. His throat suddenly felt really dry and his palms became sweaty. This was all quite embarrassing.

“I, uh. I wasn't,” Taeyong tried explaining – stuttering. Whatever the sounds were that were coming out of his mouth, they didn't even resemble a proper answer. While Taeyong tried to reach for his glass so he could hydrate his throat and maybe regain the ability to speak, all Jaehyun did was laugh. He was laughing at Taeyong's embarrassment which he clearly found very entertaining.

“Relax,” Jaehyun said, placing one hand on the Taeyong's upper arm in an attempt to calm him down, “everything's fine.”

Jaehyun was still laughing and the touch of his hand on his skin honestly only made Taeyong's embarrassment worse. The spot where Jaehyun's skin touched his own burned like it had been set on fire and Taeyong just wanted to disappear. He tried to hide his face in his hands, so he could cover up his deeply red cheeks on the one hand and hoping that he could subtly shrug off Jaehyun's hand this way on the other hand.

However, his plan didn't exactly work out like he had hoped, since Jaehyun's grip on his arm tightened at him trying to move it, and the younger boy managed to deter Taeyong from covering up his face. “Don't,” he smiled, “I told you it's fine. Look around, Tae, we're on our own. If I say everything's fine, who's here to tell you otherwise?”

Jaehyun was gesturing all around them, making a point that they were, indeed, all by themselves. Jaehyun always knew how to get Taeyong to calm down until his embarrassment eventually cooled off and he found himself brightly smiling at Jaehyun.

“Thank you,” Taeyong said, observing a little squirrel that was climbing up a tree as they were speaking.

And then, fueled by a sudden rush of confidence he said, “And yeah, I might have been checking you out earlier.”

His confession earned him a silvery laugh from Jaehyun to which he responded by laughing himself.

Suddenly, he didn't understand why he had been embarrassed in the first place. It was so obvious that Jaehyun would never get mad, take advantage of Taeyong, make fun of him of whatever it was that he had been worried about. Jaehyun had always been there to support his every decision and Taeyong knew that this hasn't changed so far, and he was silently hoping that it never would.

With nothing more than that the topic had been dismissed. After that, they kept on talking about other topics, one of them being the admiration for nature that Taeyong held inside him.

He was so amazed by all the different noises and views and _scents_ he was getting to experience out there. Taeyong had never smelt anything that fresh and pristine, that flowery, that fruity before in his life. Before that day, he hadn't even known how pure nature, untouched by an forms of pollution the city tends to bring with itself, smelt like.

Honestly, it was slightly saddening how man aspects of life were kept hidden from him and so many other people. Living in such a big city sure had its benefits but it also came with lots of negative issues that most people probably weren't even aware of.

As Taeyong voiced his opinion, Jaehyun attentively listened to everything he said, nodding and humming along in appropriate moments. In the end, Jaehyun agreed with everything Taeyong had explained and knowing that Jaehyun even backed up his opinion on topics that were so deeply important to him made him very, very happy.

These kind of talks never failed to reassure Taeyong that Jaehyun was perfect in every way possible. Sitting on that back porch, he was thinking about how happy he was that he had agreed to going on this trip. How happy he was to be collecting and creating all these memories with Jaehyun.

They kept talking out there until hours after sunset and it slowly but surely started becoming too cold to stay outside. This became visible through a shivering, trembling Taeyong that was curled up in a ball, hugging his own legs close to his body so he would stay warm.

“Maybe it's time to go to bed,” Jaehyun noted upon noticing how cold Taeyong was, “it was a long day after all.”

Taeyong smiled and gladly accepted the offer. It felt like it had been _ages_ since the last time he slept, considering that he had been out all night the night before. Now, he was just looking forward to lying down on the big, appealing bed and fall asleep into a deep, deep slumber that would keep his eyes closed all night long.

“You can sleep in the big bedroom, I'll take the smaller one, all right?” Jaehyun asked, already standing up so he could hold the door open for Taeyong to enter.

Taeyong walked into the cabin, trying to hide his disappointment since he had actually thought that Jaehyun and him would share a bed. But it was fine that way as well. He couldn't force Jaehyun to sleep in the same bed, or even the same room as him if he didn't want to do so. And that was fine.

So Taeyong replied, “yeah okay,” yawning, not really meaning what he said. He'd just have to keep telling himself that it _was_ okay, that it was for the best this way.

-

During that first night, Taeyong had some serious troubles falling asleep. It felt weird, being alone in such a big bed, in an unfamiliar place. So, despite the long hours he had been awake for, he ended up lying on his back, staring at the ceiling of the room for several hours, regretting to agree to sleep in separate rooms. He missed Jaehyun so much.

He missed feeling the warmth of Jaehyun's body, missed listening to the vibrations of his even breathing and the sounds of his steady heartbeat, missed the feeling of Jaehyun's arms wrapped around his body, keeping him safe and sound.

It was his own fault, not asking Jaehyun to share a bed, he knew that. But he had been too afraid to say something wrong or dumb and scare Jaehyun away so now he had to deal with his actions' consequences.

After rolling around on the mattress a few more times, Taeyong decided to just give up. The bedroom Jaehyun was sleeping in was where he wanted to go, but he knew that he couldn't just do that, so he went down the stairs to get a cup of water in the kitchen. Maybe he could sit outside for a while and maybe he'd get tired enough that he could manage to fall asleep.

To his surprise, the lights on the ground floor were on. His first thought was that it was a burglar, so he kept walking very slowly and carefully. However, as he entered the living space, he was met with a wide awake Jaehyun that was sitting on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket instead of a criminal.

At the sight Taeyong smiled to himself, walking up to the younger boy.

“Couldn't sleep either, hm?” he asked, which made him realize how sleepy and exhausted his voice actually sounded. He _was_ sleepy and exhausted, so it really didn't add up that he couldn't bring himself to fall asleep.

Jaehyun slightly jumped at the sudden approach but as soon as he saw that it was Taeyong, he visibly relaxed and nodded, biting on his lip. “I don't know why, I'm really tired but I just can't fall asleep.”

Taeyong hummed in response, knowing exactly how Jaehyun was feeling right then. He considered asking Jaehyun if he wanted to sleep next to him in his bed, but before he could even open his mouth Jaehyun was already speaking again.

“Do you wanna join me here? Maybe we could talk a bit,” he asked, fumbling around with the edges of his blanket.

His cup of water and him wanting to sit outside long forgotten, Taeyong agreed to join Jaehyun on the couch. Jaehyun smiled, holding one half of the blanket open so Taeyong could slip under it. He sat down and nuzzled his head into the crook of Jaehyun's neck right away. Once again, it felt like they were either functioning on autopilot or following some kind of protocol, with Jaehyun wrapping his arm around Taeyong's torso, with Taeyong entangling their legs and resting one of his hands on Jaehyun's thigh.

All of the sudden, his eyelids became heavy and he felt sleep taking over his systems. He realized that Jaehyun was what he had been missing all along. Jaehyun was the last piece to the puzzle of Taeyong's sleep. It had never mattered how tired or exhausted he was, what was important was that Jaehyun was with him, that he could _feel_ Jaehyun being there with him, so he could fall asleep.

Now, he felt peaceful and secure and at ease. Now, he could see himself falling asleep any second.

And just like that, he suddenly wasn't able to keep his eyes open anymore. With a little help of Jaehyun and his soothing, calming aura, Taeyong fell into an endlessly deep and very badly needed sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello guysss!!!!  
> i actually dont have much to say right now, just that i somehow struggled a lot with writing this chapter?? i dont even know why i was looking forward to writing that cabin part A LOT for a very long time ;-( sigh  
> anyway i'm glad its out now and i hope you guys enjoyed reading this chapter!!!  
> see y'all around <33


	8. Eight

_Skin. Skin so pale as if it belonged to the statue of a Greek god._

_Pale hands, pale arms, pale legs. The skin looked pale and icy._

_Every single part of his body, pale._

_Every single part of his skin but one._

_Cheeks. Cheeks so rosy as if the entire might belonging to spring was to support them._

_So rosy, so warm. Glowing with heat, covered in sweat._

_Lines. A forehead covered in lines. Lines of concentration, lines of effort._

_Soft lips. Plush lips. A small pink tongue sticking out of them._

_Little sighs, tiny moans escaping those lips._

_Pale tense skin all over his body. All his muscles clenching. Clenching, moving in effort._

_Moving in lust. Moving rhythmically, slowly, tenderly._

_Butterfly touches. Small, velvety. Touches carrying such an electrifying heat._

_Touches spreading warmth through every inch of his body._

_Touches sending pleasure to every inch from his head to his toes. From his heart to his brain._

_Pleasing touches giving him everything he could ever ask for and more._

_Pleasing touches making him feel like he belonged. Making him feel loved and needed._

_Teasing touches, trying his patience. Fast, heated movements followed by slower, colder ones._

_His own skin on fire. The pale skin he was admiring was on fire as well._

_Pale skin, looking icy, not feeling icy at all._

_Together, they created an unbelievable heat, an unbelievable power, an unbelievable magic._

_It was as if they were one._

_They melted together. They let their bodies connect, become one._

_Eyes. Eyes staring at each other. Dark eyes, holding several universes inside them._

_Dark eyes, blown pupils. Beaming with lust and longing and want._

_Dark eyes burning holes through his skin._

_Dark eyes, too mesmerizing to look away for even one second._

_Finally, the moment of release. The fulfillment of his goal._

_A pleasured groan escaping his lips, immediately caught by another pair of lips._

_Not meant to be heard by anyone else. A groan meant to be just for them._

_An entire memory meant to be just theirs._

_A few more shared pants, a few more shared thrusts and he could observe the pale skin shivering._

_Could observe the rosy cheeks turning into an even darker shade._

_Now, it was his time to catch the deep sighs threatening to escape through the other's lips._

_They both smiled through the kiss._

_They both smiled after their lips left each other._

_They both smiled forever._  

 

-

Taeyong woke up drenched in sweat. His environment felt unusually hot that morning. It took him a few moments to fully comprehend where he was and it took him a few more to understand why exactly he had been sweating so much.

He looked around the room, taking in the sight of wooden walls carrying huge windows that opened a sight Taeyong wasn't used to. At the sight of the forest surrounding him, he finally remembered where he was. He finally remembered that he wasn't home, wasn't at the university attending classes like he should be doing. He was at an oh so familiar cabin, placed on a sofa way too small to spend the night on.

Observing the dust particles floating through the air, settling on the old furniture, he finally noticed that someone was quietly snoring really closely next to him. And suddenly it all made sense. It didn't really add up and it all made so much sense at the same time.

Last night had probably been one of his worst nights ever. After staying up for way too long to be considered healthy, he finally found his long lost sleep on this tiny couch. He had finally found enough comfort in Jaehyun's arms which he still felt wrapped around him right then.

These parts were real, he was sure of that. None of these events had just been a product of his mind, all of them had actually taken place one day ago. However, what came afterwards in his memory couldn't have possibly been real. When he closed his eyes, he could see pale skin and rosy cheeks. He could hear soft sighs and lovely whispers. He could feel a slight tingle on his skin, causing it to erupt in goosebumps.

Yet, as he opened his eyes, all of those were gone. A memory his brain had come up with on his own. Not real. It had all been a dream.

A madly inappropriate dream, Taeyong thought. He didn't dare to give the meaning of his dream any more thought as he was convinced that it would cause nothing but harm. And even though it was actually midday already, he had just woken up after all and didn't see his brain capable to process such heavy information yet.

He did however dare to avert his gaze into the direction of the snoring individual right next to him. As expected, he spotted Jaehyun with his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted. He looked so peaceful that Taeyong actually found his own systems calming down. Of course, his mind was still swimming but Jaehyun's serenity was so contagious that he couldn't help but feel calmer himself. It wasn't like that was a bad thing, anyway.

He observed Jaehyun sleeping some more and all he could think about was how much this boy deserved all the rest he could get. He knew better than anyone, maybe even better than Jaehyun himself, how overworked Jaehyun was and that he deserved so much more rest.

Especially since he was so close to Taeyong, he had to constantly worry about two people's problems, so Taeyong felt hugely responsible for Jaehyun's constant stress. Accordingly, he was even happier to see Jaehyun sleeping so calmly with his arms wrapped around Taeyong, holding onto his smaller frame for comfort. Taeyong would always make sure to give Jaehyun all the comfort possible. It was what he deserved.

Watching Jaehyun sleep like that eventually caused Taeyong to smile and forget about his inappropriate, uncalled for dream. At this very moment, he could only pray that Jaehyun would be able to sleep for a much longer while, to stay away from reality for as long as possible.

Because even though it might have felt like everything was at least semi-fine, in reality nothing was fine. Nothing at all.

There were so many things they urgently needed to talk about, so many responsibilities they couldn't continue ignoring and so many problems and hardships they needed to face.

In reality nothing was fine and nothing was like his dream.

-

Taeyong really tried to stay still and move as little as possible. He didn't want to wake Jaehyun, didn't want to be the one tearing him out of his sleep. But in the end he was just a human being with human needs and at some point it became impossible for him to hold his bladder any longer. Sighing, he accepted the fact that he couldn't stay in the safety of Jaehyun's arms anymore.

Carefully, he tried to wiggle himself out of Jaehyun's grip but instead of loosening his hold, as Taeyong had hoped, Jaehyun began clutching Taeyong even stronger as if he was holding something of great value, something he was afraid to be stolen from him. Taeyong breathed in once, breathed out once, contemplating his options.

He could let Jaehyun have his way and stay in his embrace until the younger man would wake up. However, Taeyong was sure that he wouldn't be able to survive this way, so this wasn't an option after all.

He knew that Jaehyun was way stronger than him, even while sleeping, so simply removing his grip from his torso wasn't an option either. He could never, not in a million years, win this.

Eventually, he decided that his only option was to wake Jaehyun. It was the one thing he wanted to avoid but he didn't have a choice, so this had to be okay. Jaehyun would understand. Besides, it was really late already anyway and it couldn't harm Jaehyun to wake up.

Taeyong managed to slightly turn around so he was able to cup Jaehyun face with his one hand and comb through the strands of his hair with his other hand. Due to the huge windows it was really hot in the room so Taeyong wasn't surprised to find Jaehyun's hair in a damp state. He must be sweating a lot, as well.

Taeyong twisted the honey-like strands with his fingers, smiling at the sight of them curling and uncurling with every twist he gave them. He let his fingers brush over Jaehyun's cheeks, his chin, his jaw and smiled as he was able to feel a small stubble growing on his skin.

His cheeks looked just as rosy as the ones he had been admiring during his dream. They were radiating just as much heat as the ones from his dream and suddenly, he didn't feel like smiling anymore. He felt his fingers beginning to tremble against Jaehyun's soft skin, and as he took a quick glance at Jaehyun's lips, just as swollen as the rest of his face, he felt his own lips slowly drying out.

Simultaneously, he felt his entire mouth turning dry while his throat felt like it was about to close off entirely soon. He felt his palms forming more sweat than ever and suddenly he felt too shy, too embarrassed to continue touching Jaehyun.

There was a certain heat forming in the pit of his stomach, trumping the heat coming from outside by worlds, by entire galaxies.

Taeyong pressed his lips together, trying to ignore that certain heat, that unusual amount of sweat, his dried out body parts. Instead, he tried to focus on his actual task – waking Jaehyun.

He let his fingertips brush over Jaehyun's jawline one last time, then he removed both his hands from Jaehyun. “Jae?” he whispered, “Are you up?”

As Jaehyun didn't respond, Taeyong began speaking again, this time a little louder, “Jae, it's time to wake up. Please? I really need to go to the bathroom,” he sighed, gripping his arms and shaking them softly.

At the sudden movement, Jaehyun finally stirred in his sleep, slowly blinking his eyes open until he gained full, clear vision of Taeyong right in front of him. They looked at each other for a few seconds so Jaehyun could properly wake up and just as he finished doing so did he shoot Taeyong a small smile. A small, pure, innocent smile which caused Taeyong to feel even worse about his dream.

Despite the bad feeling inside his chest he brought himself to smile back at Jaehyun, “Hey, good morning sleepyhead.”

“Morning,” Jaehyun mumbled in response, yawning to get all the sleep out of his systems.

They shared a few more quiet moments of just staring at each other until Taeyong felt his bladder protesting once again. “Listen, I don't wanna be annoying but I really need to pee so, uh, could you maybe, uh,” Taeyong muttered, gesturing to Jaehyun's arms that were still wrapped tightly around him, suddenly not knowing how to form a proper sentence anymore.

Jaehyun's eyes widened in realization and he immediately removed his grip from Taeyong. “Oh God sorry! Yes of course, please go use the bathroom, I'm not holding you back,” he stuttered, equally as puzzled as Taeyong. They both laughed awkwardly at each other after Taeyong voiced out a small thanks and got up to walk in the direction of the bathroom.

-

Taeyong finished his business in the bathroom and took a quick shower as well to get rid of the stains of sweat and shame covering his entire body.

Having the cool water rinse off those stains felt good. He felt like the cloudy haze that was his mind could finally gain a clear vision again. He felt the memories of his dream pour right out of his head, down his body, into the plughole of the shower, never and nowhere to be seen again.

The heat that had been formed inside his stomach, as well as the one that had been embracing his body from the outside earlier felt like a long lost memory. This was definitely one of the most refreshing showers Taeyong had ever taken, he decided smiling to himself as he shut off the water.

However, it didn't take long until he found his own expression turn from a smile into a frown. After he stepped out of the shower, he made the fatal decision of _really_ looking at himself in the mirror for the first time in days. The person depicted in the slightly fogged glass of the mirror didn't look healthy or happy at all.

The problem was that Taeyong was very familiar with that person, but it had been a very long while since they had last met and Taeyong had always been hoping that they would never have to meet again. That person in the mirror portrayed Taeyong's worst version of himself – dark circles beneath his eyes, peaky, slightly sunken skin, bones way too prominent. He knew that he had done this to himself, that it was his own fault for barely eating or sleeping throughout an entire week. He hadn't expected himself to look good after such a week, but he definitely hadn't expected his condition to be _that terrible_ either.

Turning away from the mirror to change back into his – Jaehyun's – clothes, he made a promise to himself. He promised that he would take better care of himself from that point on. Taeyong couldn't even remember the countless times he had made that promise to Jaehyun already, but this time it was different. This time, he didn't need Jaehyun asking him to make that promise. This time, he came up with it on his own, not only for Jaehyun but also for himself.

-

After getting dressed Taeyong walked out of the bathroom. He was surprised to find the house smelling like something sweet, something delicious. Letting his nose guide the way, he ended up in the kitchen where he spotted Jaehyun at the stove, making pancakes, humming a melody that sounded very familiar to Taeyong.

As he finally made out that Jaehyun was humming along to _their song,_ he decided to announce his arrival by joining his little hum session. Jaehyun jumped a little at the sudden sound of another voice but just as soon as he had tensed up did he relax again as he spotted Taeyong standing in the doorframe.

Jaehyun looked at him in the softest manner possible, his eyes sparkling like fireworks, skin still reddened due to the heat, a smile all toothy. He let Taeyong finish humming the song by himself, slightly turning around so he could get a grip of the frying pan and turn the pancake around in one swift motion.

“I see we have a master chef over here,” Taeyong whistled, more than impressed with Jaehyun's prowess.

Jaehyun grinned, pointing the spatula he was holding in his right hand at him. “It sure looks like it, doesn't it?” he teased, still smirking at Taeyong, “But we can't say so for sure before you've tasted my creation.”

“I would feel honored to do so,” Taeyong smiled, feeling all warm and a little giddy due to Jaehyun's sweet behavior, feeling more than pleased and content with how things were going. He walked up to the kitchen counter and heaved himself on top of it, letting all his senses settle in.

The pancakes looked amazing, like they came straight out of a commercial. They were served on a big platter, surrounded by strawberries and bananas, some coated in chocolate, some coated in honey. Accordingly, the smell that must have taken over the entire house by now was overwhelming. It smelled like all sorts of sweet flavors, causing the place to feel even warmer than it already did by nature. Taeyong felt like he was floating on cloud nine, made out of cotton candy, and he couldn't wish for anything more.

Watching Jaehyun flip a few more pancakes and cut a few more fruits made him realize how hungry he actually was, noticing a few tiny grumbles coming from his stomach. Jaehyun must have noticed it as well, shooting him a small, dreamy smile. “It'll be done soon.”

Taeyong nodded in response, smiling with his eyes molding little crescents. He had been eyeing one specific, extraordinarily round and appetizing pancake for a while now and he couldn't wait to finally dig his teeth into the soft pastry, tasting all different kinds of sweetness.

After a few more minutes Jaehyun seemed to be finally done. Content with his work, he let out a relieved sigh, announcing that they could eat now.

Taeyong expressed a tiny, happy sound at the, in his opinion, long overdue announcement. He watched as Jaehyun sat down on the kitchen counter himself, right next to Taeyong. Since there wasn't exactly a lot of space, let alone the kind of space two people would need, he felt the younger boy pressed against him. He felt the warmth of him through every part where they were connected – their thighs, their hips, their arms and shoulders.

Suddenly hyperaware of all these body parts of his, Taeyong shot Jaehyun a shy smile. The latter, however, seemed mostly unfazed, unbothered by their position as he simply picked up a fork and a knife to cut out a small piece of the exact pancake Taeyong had been keeping an eye on. He picked up the piece and added one of the strawberry slices that were spread out all over the platter.

“Open up,” Jaehyun said, gesturing to Taeyong's mouth with the fork, holding one of his hands beneath it so, in the case of pieces falling down, he could catch them. Taeyong knew that he was reading too much into this, but at this point he couldn't care less and he couldn't stop himself from thinking about all the times Jaehyun had been there to catch him.

Taeyong parted his lips and let Jaehyun guide the sweet sin right into his mouth. He let the soft dough linger on his tongue for a short moment and then began chewing, tasting nothing but sweetness, just as he had expected. Honestly, he was a little bit surprised at how soft the pancake actually was. It wasn't like he thought of Jaehyun as a bad cook or baker, he just never expected him to be _that skilled._

“So.. What do you think?” Jaehyun asked him after some more seconds, his face carrying the most hopeful, expectant expression Taeyong had ever seen on the younger. His enthusiasm caused him to laugh a little too much, so that eventually he felt tiny crumbs falling out of his mouth. Taeyong let his tongue dart over his lips, hoping to catch all the crumbs without looking like an idiot.

Before he got to answer Jaehyun's questions, he took a sweet moment to observe how Jaehyun's shaking pupils were following every movement of his tongue. Taeyong never knew how to respond when Jaehyun did such kind of things, so he settled on not commenting on it at all, instead letting his mind focus on the pancakes again.

“Listen,” Taeyong said, adding a _dramatic pause_ afterwards to make sure he was receiving all of Jaehyun's attention, which, in hindsight was actually pretty pointless since there was nobody else in that room Jaehyun could be paying attention to, “these pancakes are so good, I actually can't believe you made them yourself.”

To that, Jaehyun let out an amused snort, raising his eyebrows. “I wanna say thank you, but I also feel mildly offended right now,” he laughed, jumping off the kitchen counter, “let's go eat these outside.”

Taeyong really liked that idea, so he ended up helping Jaehyun pack a few dishes, cutlery and a plastic bottle filled with orange juice from the fridge.

Just as last evening, they settled down on the back porch of the cabin, enjoying the sweet breakfast slash brunch slash lunch together. They ended up stealing small bits from each other's plates as well as feeding one another and making sure they both wouldn't forget to drink enough in between. Taeyong loved how domestic and natural all their motions felt, as if they had been doing nothing but this for the past decade. And maybe, in another universe some weird parallel versions of them had been doing exactly this.

-

A while after they had finished eating their breakfast and had already cleaned their used dishes as well as put their leftovers in the fridge, Taeyong was sitting on the railing of the veranda staring at the lake while Jaehyun had went inside a while ago so he could take a shower.

With the passing hours, Taeyong could feel how the temperature dropped and dropped, could see how the sky turned darker and darker, could hear how the forest they were surrounded by became quieter and quieter.

He knew that these were all signs for an upcoming thunderstorm. And if Taeyong let him be honest with himself, he had to admit that the thought of experiencing a thunderstorm while staying in a fully wooden house scared him. He knew that he didn't have to worry, didn't have to be scared since Jaehyun's grandfather had put all sorts of safety measurements into the building and also, Jaehyun was right there with him, but still, he didn't feel completely safe.

He observed a flight of birds pass his field of view, wondering how such a hot, blooming day could turn into such a gloomy, cold one in such a short amount of time. Sometimes, the force of Mother Nature left him shattered and perplexed.

Once again, he couldn't help but overthink the situation. If the weather was able to single-handedly change in such a drastic way, why wouldn't anything else about their situation be able to do so as well? At this point, was it even the slightest bit unlikely that something majorly negative was bound to happen and burst right on top of Taeyong's head?

Taeyong was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice Jaehyun approaching him until he sat down on the railing next to Taeyong.

As Taeyong realized that he wasn't alone anymore, ripped out of his thoughts, he shot Jaehyun a slightly bitter smile, letting his gaze sink into the dark reflection on Jaehyun's eyes. Upon spotting the expression that was glowing in his eyes, Taeyong felt his heart sink into his stomach.

Jaehyun looked worried, anxious even. As Jaehyun placed a warm palm on one of Taeyong's thighs, slightly digging his fingertips into the fabric of his sweatpants, Taeyong knew that he wasn't about to be confronted with anything good. It seemed like the bad weather had been a sign after all.

“Taeyong, we need to talk. I think we both know that.”

And with those words spilling over Jaehyun's lips, the first raindrops began to fall from the sky. They landed on Taeyong's bare skin, making it tingle just as much as Jaehyun's touch and his words did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo my lovely readers! wow, it's really been a while, huh?  
> trust me guys, i know that more than anyone and i feel like i owe you an explanation  
> soo, first of all i just wrote my last exam for this school year last thursday and until then i've been extremely busy studying for several exams and generally i've just been completely stressed out and overwhelmed with all the school work i had to do  
> secondly, as you guys might remember i attended the got7 concert in berlin! it was an incredible night and even a little more than a week later, i still miss them like crazy.. idk i've been dealing with some pretty hard post concert depression lately and i just couldnt find the motivation to deal with any group but got7  
> anyway, the update is finally here now! i know its very short, especially if you consider the enormous amount of time it took me to write this but i hope you guys can forgive me and that you enjoyed this little chapter of pure fuff,,, the calm before the storm ;-))  
> i'm telling you guys the next chapter is gonna be a huge storm and all the questions will finally find their answers! please look forward to it! <3


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